All the Ways to Use Your Breasts Instead of Breastfeeding, From the Trump Administration’s Very Informed Health Advisory Council

From purple mountain majesties, from C-cup to shining C-cup, use your Uncle Sam mammeries for good!

To the incredible women of the United States, we definitely have your back (and your front) by not supporting breastfeeding as a national policy. We reject the World Health Assembly’s resolution to promote breastfeeding over formula for well-supported reasons, which we present here, in a list totally stacked with better, healthier ways to use your American bosoms for good.

To clean the windshield of a 1959 Corvette, built back when America was great and coincidentally Enfamil launched its infant formula


Hey Boy Scouts, it’s time to get your Hottest People at the Party Badge! This week, Donald Trump spoke at the National Boy Scout Jamboree to address the merits of your treasured institution, to about 40,000 of your fellow teenage Boy Scouts. He spoke about American traditions like “the night with the maps” and inspiring tales like “the time he failed, and he failed badly, lost all of his money.” So take a look at the new merit badges inspired by the honorary President of the Boy Scouts of America.

Hottest People at the Party Badge

“I saw him at…

Worried about climate change? Don’t be! I’m the guy who invented the whole hoax. My bad.

Dear Everybody On Planet Earth,

I owe you an apology. By now, I am sure you have seen President Trump’s pre-Presidential tweet that the Chinese invented global warming. Some of you doubted this. And some of you totally flipped out that his White House has a new energy policy stating that “President Trump is committed to eliminating harmful and unnecessary policies such as the Climate Action Plan.” Well, I am here to say DON’T WORRY because President Trump was TOTALLY right. And I finally…

“Meryl Streep is Overrated! Meryl Streep is Overrated AWK!”

“Mexico will pay for the wall, AWK AWK lololol even I know that’s not true, AWK!”

Donald Trump is the first President since Harry Truman to have no pets, though I imagine he would love a sidekick parrot that would echo his prolific tweets. “John Lewis is all talk talk talk!” “Polly will SEE YOU IN COURT!”

Andrew Jackson actually did have a pet parrot, who cursed so much it had to be removed from Jackson’s own funeral. Teddy Roosevelt had snakes, a badger and an owl. And don’t forget Calvin Coolidge who basically had a zoo with two lions, an antelope, a bobcat, a wallaby, and of course, a pygmy hippopotamus.

So what will Donald…

This piece was originally published on Robot Butt here.

Lochtinator Transformer

Quickly transform the strong, athletic swimmer Ryan Lochte into a toolbox.

Easy Bake Oven Fudge-the-Truth Fudge

Create your own half-baked chocolate mess! Serve the fudge to your mom, so she can share it with reporters, just like Ryan did!

Rio Olympics Domino Rings

Spend 32 years setting up these dominoes into a pattern of five interlocking Olympic rings, but be careful!! All that hard work could topple to the ground in the time it takes to say the words “Our taxi was pulled over by men pretending to be police officers who robbed us at gunpoint.”

Paint by Number: False Police Statements

Paint a vivid picture…

Side by side photos of the 2017 inauguration crowd on the National Mall, and a 2016 crowd of common murres nesting on a rock in Newport, Oregon. Bird photo by Robert Sams

This article originally appeared on Robot Butt here.

Washington D.C. — After seeing a photograph of migratory seabirds nesting a rock, President Donald Trump has vociferously claimed, “There were way more people at my inauguration on the National Mall than there were birds nesting on this rock. Way more. Way, way more.”

The birds in question are common murres, seabirds that gather every spring to nest on a rock in the Yaquina Head Outstanding Natural Area in Newport, Oregon. Common murres, who are wild animals totally oblivious to anything happening in politics, use this rock as a safe place for…

Laura Sams

Writer of science, comedy and other things. @lauramsams

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