Sunny Side Up: Questions on love and war

How is it that with love you can sometimes feel like you are totally at one with someone in every possible way, but at other times you feel like you are a million miles away, even if you are in the same room? Why is love so mysterious? Why even after thirty years do some couples split up? Why, even though I know my husband is a horrible speller, in the middle of a “text fight,” do I have this absolute strong desire to correct him? Even when I know it does no good whatsoever. Does it really make me feel that superior? Ok, yes, it does in that one second make me feel like I am a far superior human. (Queue super hero pose for the awesome super speller) I mean, really? You are a 35 year old with a master’s degree, and you can’t spell? Ok, so his master’s is in music composition. Apparently the University of North Texas needs to make their jazz majors take a few more English classes.

There are times in my marriage where I feel like we are right where we are supposed to be. We are working together to make a family and save for a home. We have the same goals and dreams. We are on track to have this picture perfect American dream. I know what truly matters, yet I can’t let go of it when he types “flys” instead of “flies.” I can’t stop myself from flying off the handle even when I know that what I am fighting about (i.e. the laundry, small miscommunications, control issues) doesn’t really matter. Why do I still do it? I still have to fight and be right. Do we just need drama? My husband says that people need theatrics because their lives are so boring. He thinks we intentionally create fights just because we need an outlet at that time. In a way I do think he is right, but I always have this hope that I am above this kind of intentional game playing that men accuse women of playing on a daily basis.

I’ve been troubled ever since I have had the ominous “D” of divorce imprinted on my metaphorical chest 3 years ago, Hester Prynne style. The thought that my generation will only stay in a relationship as long as it is happy and working for them is both a possible sign of progress and a scary-selfish way of living life. I never thought that I would get divorced the first time! Even though I picture myself growing wrinkly and gray with JR, will we both just give up when we don’t seem to work anymore because that is what everyone does now?

I have to say that I could have stayed in my last relationship, but I know for a fact I would not be where or who I am today. I feel like I am much more true to my nature and who I am now then I ever was with my ex (may he rest in Dallas). However, I still have the ongoing temptation to do or be what JR wants me to be. I want to make him happy, even if I know it’s not really who I am. He wants to be more of a hippie, so I don’t wear makeup. I LOVE MAKEUP. He is a vegan, so I stop eating meat posthaste. I have always seen this as a fault with myself, not them. I have seen myself as the character in the Runaway Bride, who takes her eggs exactly like her current partner likes them, not how she actually likes them. Sunny side up? Me too!

If I truly loved or knew myself, would I have this strong temptation to please? I have always known I was a “people pleaser” just like my Mom, but does it really extend so far as even within my closest relationship? Even then I can’t stand up for myself sometimes? Maybe it’s a lot easier to try and make someone else happy, blaming them when it doesn’t work, rather then striving to make myself happy. If the latter fails, I know for sure that I only have myself to blame.

Maybe it’s a lot easier to try and make someone else happy, blaming them when it doesn’t work, rather then striving to make myself happy. If the latter fails, I know for sure that I only have myself to blame.

For now I guess I’ll just try to stop correcting my husband’s spelling and correct my own behavior instead. They say the only thing you can really control is your own reaction and subsequent actions. They are probably right. I hate them.