This quiz will help anyone who is crushing on a guy who they think of as a sexy intellectual figure out if he really is one or just knows how to make people think he is. Multiple choice questions like “Can you name a profound thing he has said?” A. Yes, his insight on the International Criminal Court’s shortcomings was eye-opening B. Not anything specifically, but we have had deep conversations C. …
Congratulations on your pregnancy! Now that you’re growing a life, the world should revolve around you. Of course, by that, we don’t mean this country should enact policies that would make life easier for pregnant people and parents of small children. We mean everyone should give you an unending stream of attention!
Having your gender reveal as a separate event from the baby shower could mean double the gifts. Why stop there? Make the next nine months all about you with these additional party ideas. …
Hey celebrities, influencers, and other rich folks with Instagram accounts! The COVID-19 crisis is a scary time for everyone equally. I bet the masses are DYING to know how you’re handling it in your multimillion-dollar mansion.
Why not take to Instagram Live? Yes, normal Instagram. Not Instagram Platinum, the secret Instagram where you never have to see anyone who is less than a millionaire. The poors need to hear your profound thoughts like, “COVID-19 is the great equalizer. Rich or poor. Black, white, yellow, red, brown, or purple. Old or young. It affects us all.”
But where to film it…
People who call cars and boats “she” love insisting singular they is grammatically incorrect
People who comment on articles love missing the point
Old people from my hometown love telling me they “could NEVER live in Chicago”
My cat loves that specific, completely ordinary cardboard box
Moms love backhanded compliments
Nerds on dating apps love identifying strongly with their Harry Potter houses
Dads love Bruce Springsteen
High school classmates on Facebook love selling pyramid scheme products
Americans love embarrassing themselves in other countries
Evangelical Christians love acting persecuted
Chicago residents love bitching about the red line
Improvisers love trying to…
Hey, future dads! First of all, congratulations on knocking up your wives! If you don’t live under a rock, you’re probably thinking about doing a gender reveal. And if you’re like most true-blue American couples, your wife is probably full of cutesy ideas about it. But remember, it’s your gender reveal too, damnit! After all, coming inside your wife is just as much work as carrying the pregnancy. There’s no better way to stamp red-blooded white American masculinity onto a celebration of gender roles than guns. Now, you may be thinking, “How can I add guns to a gender reveal…
There’s nothing millennials love more than killing industries. Except maybe houseplants, mermaid food, and mentioning The Office in their Tinder profiles. It’s true. The one thing all adults under 40 have in common is our love for slaughtering the institutions older generations hold near and dear to their hearts. We’ve shot golf, stabbed napkins, strangled casual dining chains, drowned homeownership, burned banks, frozen department stores, poisoned diamonds, beheaded home improvement, electrocuted football, and drawn and quartered oil because we are selfish, spoiled brats and it’s our fault the adults in our lives gave us participation trophies.
All 1.8 billion of…
We are seeking early career professionals for an exciting opportunity! No experience or shirt required! All you need are street smarts to do this work that we won’t describe to our clients we won’t name. Let’s just say if you’ve had to beg for food to survive, you’re halfway to what we do. Our management training opportunities and commission pay make this a real rags-to-riches opportunity!
2. Royal Assistant, Enchanted Castle, LTD
We’re seeking a highly educated and very patient young woman to assist our resident prince in his day-to-day duties. Must have four-year…
Lisa took me out of the back of the closet and wore me today! It’s been a long winter and I’m excited for the first warm day of the year. We saw some people in shorts and some people in winter coats on the train platform today. Silly people always forget how to dress once it starts getting warmer. My person is so lucky to have me.
Fuck, it snowed again. Of course, Lisa didn’t see it coming because she was too optimistic and wore me outside anyway. It was miserable. …
If you live anywhere in the United States that is not under a rock, you know that Brett Kavanaugh, a man with three credible sexual assault allegations against him, is on the Supreme Court and is on his way to steal your reproductive rights. Not only does his addition tip the court in favor of overturning Roe v Wade, but he has implied that he is coming for birth control next. Is it terrifying? Of course! But worry not, because we have collected a list of alternative birth control for when you lose your method.
The recent events remain difficult to process. My therapist says I’m handling it well but am I though? I’ve always been unlucky in love but this time has been especially hard. Not only were we friends before I tried to date him, which made things weird when it fell apart, but he turned out not to be a person at all. The entire time we knew each other he was a writhing mass of parasitic beetle larvae using a human being’s body.
Lauren is a Chicago-based comedy writer with bylines in The Belladonna, Little Old Lady Comedy, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Sally Mag and Buzzfeed. They/Them