A Middle Age Morning Cheer That Is Absolutely No Replacement For Coffee And Is Also Probably Best For Those Who Live Alone

Lauren Alexis Wood
Nov 7 · 2 min read

I woke up this morning.

Again.

…and instead of checking my bank account as I hyperventilated into my pillow while checking emails and following up on ignored business proposals and project bids, while applying for jobs, and having an anxiety attack about school, I stretched, noticed wrinkles around my knees, and made up a cheer.

…instead of pouring whatever alcohol is in my freezer right now into my coffee.

I’m just kidding. I’m not drinking until Friday because I am on a cleanse.

Okay, so this cheer is meant for you to do while still in bed (to give you the strength to get up versus just go back to sleep and try again tomorrow), or while you attempt different outfits for the day (Do I go with casual, professional, or on-my-way-to-Crossfit for today’s look while I sit at a hidden coffee shop and cold call people for 9 hours?), or in the shower as you maybe notice some other stuff in addition to wrinkles around your knees.


• The Cheer •

👏👏👏

Hey, Bitch!

👏👏

Good morning!

👏

You don’t look fat OR old today!

*silence*

For real! I guess drawing attention to those things makes it seem like I am saying you DO look fat and/or old but that’s not where I was going with this.

*half-hearted clapping*

Okay, can I start over? We need to seize this day!

👏👏👏

The world is your oyster!

👏👏👏

…even though oysters are gross and the experience is always some creepy bullshit.

*half-hearted clapping*

Okay, sorry! Don’t focus on your failed love life right now.

*silence*

No! I said DON’T!

👏👏👏

You are going to have an amazing hair day today!

👏👏👏

Because that’s what drives this economy! Good hair days!

*silence*

Okay, for real I’m just making a joke! How about we get back on track?

👏👏👏

Get out there and OWN this day, Sis!

👏👏👏

…watch your carbs though.

*half-hearted clapping*


Anyway, totally feel free to use the above. I just did the whole cheer in bed and I am actually going to get up and shower and leave the house so it seems somewhat effective.

YOU’RE. WELCOME. 💋

    Lauren Alexis Wood

    Written by

    Founder/Owner of Paradisiac Publishing paradisiacpublishing.tumblr.com youcanbuymybooksifyouwant.tumblr.com https://laurenalexiswood.yolasite.com

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