Stop Terrorizing Your Sister

I do not have children because I am simply, how can I say this? Um, not a fan.
I’m burned out.
…from tampering my EXTREME urges to murder adult children who cannot respect my boundaries in cold, cold, merciless blood. It’s exhausting. I cannot believe I haven’t snapped at this point and there isn’t a body count.
Anyway, many of my associates do have children-children and while I want absolutely no part of their troubles, directly, I do sometimes feel compelled to help as a peer.
Somehow.
Remotely.
From a great distance.
So, if you are a parent with bratty children who seem to be constantly at each others’ throats at your expense, below is a short play you and your spouse or partner could act out. Maybe cast a few neighbors. Involve the whole neighborhood if warranted. How bratty are your kids? Also, this was NOT my experience growing up because my family, seems, um, affected somehow.
So, this is also therapeutic for me.
You’re welcome.
Mom: Honey, could you please come into the kitchen. We need to have a family discussion.
Son: I’m on my game!
Mom: I don’t care. Turn off your game and get in here!
Son: But I’m almost to the next thing!
Dad: NOW!
Son: Fine.
*Son enters kitchen from other room*
Son: What?
Dad: Watch your tone when you’re talking to your Mother.
Mom: Did you steal cloaking technology from the military compound downtown so that you could become invisible in order to frighten your sister this afternoon on the bike path?
Son: What? No!
Dad: What have we told you about lying?
Son: Fine! Okay? Just this one time though. I’ll take it back.
*sobbing Sister enters the room*
Sister: …and he had boots sitting out on a thing, like an Army person, and he called my name, but there wasn’t anyone there, and, and, and… *sobs*
Son: She’s being dramatic!
Dad: Well, did you do that?
Son: Well, yeah, but…
Mom: Honey that is very cruel! What have we talked about? You cannot hunt your sister down and scare her all the time.
Son: Well, yeah, but…
Sister: *sniffling* Remember when he put his remote control car motor in my teddy bear and made it roll across the room? *she runs over to their Dad and hugs him in fear*
Son: Obviously that was fake! That was nothing!
Mom: Honey, your sister was five years old.
Dad: Honestly, I am so tired of this. Go unplug your game and bring it in here. I’m locking it up in the cabinet. Go get the cloaking device too. We’re driving it back down to the base right this instant. I’ll let them decide your punishment. I heard they were enrolling classes for fall at their Military School in Lubbock, TX.
Son: What???!!! I don’t want to go to Military School in Texas! John two houses down just got a drone! We were gonna take it to the mall this afternoon!
Dad: I don’t care what you were gonna do. Go get the game and the cloaking technology.
Son: This is BULLSHIT!
Dad: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!
Mom: Honey do not say shit.
Sister: HA!
…anyway, that’s just a start. You can make adjustments to fit your family’s dynamics how you see fit. Maybe you have a shoplifter in the house. Maybe a young pharmaceutical entrepreneur. Whatever the case, if you and your parenting partner, maybe a few of your child or children’s friends’ parents, if all of you get together, and act out a vivid and comprehensive stage play showcasing just how bratty and annoying they can be, well, you just might go into this holiday season with a few less tension headaches.
