Another update about self-dating.
This afternoon was a bit difficult.
I have mostly been feeling really great about dating myself and embracing singledom in a way I never have before. I’ve noticed my confidence blossom and happiness increase tenfold. It has been a really positive project to see others as only friends.
But today I realised that two people who I’ve got crushes on, might in fact be dating each other. For some reason that was really hard to fathom and it hurt deeply. Some of the most intense feelings I have had about myself have been a sense of “not enough” and my feeling of alone-ness was heightened by seeing both people I think about often together at the pub. It brought up feelings of “always the bridesmaid, never the bride”, that I’ve felt for a lot of my life, even though I’ve mostly always been in a long term, committed relationship.
I was walking home from a lovely dinner with a friend when I saw them there, both waving hello, one complimenting me on a new haircut. My stomach dropped putting together the image with the conversation I had with one of them this morning about a new relationship: I’ve been spending a lot of time with this new girl. It seems nice… it doesn’t seem fleeting. Maybe we’ll get into it another time — I have to head out now. At the time of hearing about this new relationship, I was glad to know nothing more about it. Now I have a face to put to this story. Ignorance is bliss.
Maybe this was the new love they were talking about. Maybe it wasn’t. I don’t know. I am feeling feelings of entitlement and then shame for feeling those and for not being stronger and more independent and less needy. I want to need no-one, but I guess I really do.
This is a bit difficult today. Tomorrow is a new day.