An Edition of TheSkimm in Trump’s America

theSkimm for March 24

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QUOTE OF THE DAY 
“Finally, D.C. is a place for business again”- President Donald Trump at the reopening of the renovated National Mall, which now includes an IMAX theater, indoor drone park and military combat simulator, and three Sephoras.

LA LA LOVE IT

THE STORY
Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone, popular film stars before the Hollywood Liberal Elite blacklistings, have been abducted by the Trump Administration to make movies for the federal Office of Entertainment and Propaganda. Um, dream kidnapping, much?!

LOL WAIT WHAT
The government tapped actor/director Mel Gibson to head a new state department to produce films and television shows, citing a lack of films promoting America’s white history, contributions, and cultural values. Due to Gosling and Stone’s 10 ratings on Trump’s recently implemented National Beauty Scale, the government thought the actors would be perf for the job. Looks like Trump’s as obsessed with GosEmma as we are.

HALP I’VE LOST THE ABILITY TO READ
Gosling and Stone will live full-time in the Los Angeles Trump Tower/Hollywood Internment Camp, which now includes a full-service film studio with a soundstage, CGI facilities, and around-the-clock armed security. The pair will produce 20 films in various genres that will sweep the National Awards for Excellence in Film (formerly known as the failing Academy Awards). Get ready for a major binge watching sesh.

[LOUD MOANING]
The actors will also appear in state television shows, including Late Night With Alex Jones and World’s Funniest Comedy Hour and Mocking of Enemies and Losers (formerly the pathetic Saturday Night Live), as well as infomercials for Trump Industries clothing, pharmaceuticals, and charter schools. This news is giving us life when so much has been taken!

THE SKIMM
This pair is about to spend a whole lot of time together under the watchful eyes of Mel Gibson and the Trump Administration. Tbh, we hope shared trauma and Stockholm Syndrome finally make these two fall in love!

REPEAT AFTER ME…

WHAT TO SAY TO YOUR FRIENDS WHO ARE “CONSCIOUSLY UNCOUPLING” …
The Smithsonian Institute and the United States feel your pain. The institute is planning to move its D.C. headquarters to the U.S. Island Territory of San Francisco after plans to open a Ripley’s Believe it or Not museum at the site of the former National Portrait Gallery were announced. Believe it or not … the Smithsonian wasn’t too thrilled about this.

WHAT TO SAY TO YOUR FRIEND WHO IS ALWAYS SOOOOO COLD …
Tell her to go to Alaska! After the dismantling of EPA, fast-tracking of several oil pipelines, and criminalization of all climate-related conjecture, Alaska is a toasty 75 degrees and your new vacay spot. Those igloo Airbnbs are soo Instagrammable.

WHAT TO SAY TO YOUR FRIEND WHO’S ALL ABOUT #NOMAKEUP
She might want to pull out that mascara again. A new bill working its way through Congress would make it illegal for anyone ranking at a 6 or lower on the National Beauty Scale to leave the house during daylight hours. So much for #wokeuplikethis, amirite?

WHAT TO SAY TO YOUR FRIEND WHO LIKES IT “ANIMAL STYLE”
An In-N-Out burger just opened up at the U.S.-Mexico border wall/retail center. Si kween!

TheSkimm Bible verse of the day: “I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man, she must be silent.”- 1 Timothy 2:12