I Want a Normal Person for Bachelorette

I want a normal person for Bachelorette. I want a person with HPV for Bachelorette and I want a guy who eats carbs for Bachelor and I want someone with Craigslist furniture and debt and who grew up in a suburb but not a very good one. I want a Bachelorette who shows up to the Rose Ceremony late and with wet hair and who can’t tell several of the men apart and who can’t zip up her gown because she had too many gin-and-tonics on the Group Date and who gets flushed when she drinks and can’t walk in heels. I want a Bachelorette who’s afraid of heights and of riding a helicopter, ATV or motorcycle and gets migraines, who doesn’t care about sports but not because she’s dumb. I want a Bachelorette with roommates and a used Toyota Corolla. I want someone who’s hungover and who actually eats the food in the One-on-One. I want someone with a weird laugh. I want a truly funny person for Bachelorette. I want someone with acne and cellulite who’s not good at yoga and whose anxiety makes her unavailable for three days of filming. I want someone who’s too heavy to be picked up. I want someone half of the men on the show aren’t even sure they like. And I want to know why this isn’t possible. I want to know why we started learning somewhere down the line that a Bachelorette is always a dental hygienist. Always a 2 and never a 16. Always a hugger, always a person with a polite listening face, and never an atheist. Never the bride, but not usually a bridesmaid either.

Inspired by Zoe Leonard’s “I want a president”