If Dating Was Like Applying For a Job

Hi, Lauren -

Thank you for your interest in the position of David’s Girlfriend. We reviewed your profile, and we are excited to extend an invitation to a first date. The date will last approximately one hour. Please reply with your availability and your preference for a coffee meeting or light outdoor physical activity (i.e. walking, visiting a park).

Best regards,

Susan

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Sounds great! I could do coffee at 2pm Saturday.

Lauren

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Lauren -

You are confirmed for a Coffee Date on Saturday, Dec. 11 at 2 p.m. CST at Gradient Coffee Roasters. Be prepared to discuss general background information, your careers, and some pop culture topics. Please arrive at least 10 minutes early in order to purchase your coffee and avoid any confusion around payment.

Best regards,

Susan

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Susan -

Please let David know I enjoyed our date Saturday. There was an ideal mix of stimulating conversation and physical attraction, and I am interested in getting to know him more!

Lauren

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Hi, Lauren -

David has decided to move forward and schedule a second date with you. What is your availability for a nighttime drink meet-up or cultural activity (i.e. live theater, music, or comedy performance [not improv]; museum visit)?

Best regards,

Susan

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Sounds great! I am available for a drink Friday after 6pm.

Lauren

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Great, Lauren. This is confirming your Drink Date for the David’s Girlfriend position on Friday, Dec. 17 at 6:30 p.m. CST.

The schedule is as follows:

6:30 p.m. Arrive at Cheddar Larry’s Pub. David will purchase the first round of drinks as a kind gesture and not in deference to gender norms. Follow up on David’s “Stranger Things” recommendation from last date.

7:15 p.m. Bathroom break. (You may leave at this time — or any time! — if you do not wish to proceed with this date/the David’s Girlfriend position.)

7:30 p.m. Second round of drinks (you will pay for these). Please discuss your siblings in further detail.

8:30–8:45 p.m. Settle up drinks payment/leave bar.

Best regards,

Susan

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Susan,

Just following up to say I enjoyed my second date with David. I feel even more confident that I would be an asset to David’s personal life in the position of David’s Girlfriend. I hope to see him in the “Upside Down” (inside joke!).

Lauren

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Hi, Lauren -

David enjoyed it, too, and would like to move forward with a third date. Please reply with your availability, and state your preference for a dinner date or a shared activity (i.e. ice skating, games at a barcade/ping-pong bar, helicopter tour) followed by drinks. Please also include your availability for a light sexual experience following the night’s activities.

Best regards,

Susan

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A helicopter ride/drink sounds great! And sure, I’d be down for whatever happens after ;) I am available Saturday anytime after 4pm.

Lauren

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Lauren -

This is to confirm your Aerial Alive! Chicago Helicopter Tour, followed by a drink at Tiki Tom’s and possible light sexual experience, on Saturday, December 22 at 4:30 p.m. CST. David will purchase tickets because he has a Groupon voucher.

The schedule is as follows:

4:30 p.m. Arrive at Aerial Alive!’s box office/landing field. Sign waivers and receive briefing on helicopter safety.

5 p.m. Commence helicopter tour. (Tour will last approximately 30 minutes, except in the unlikely event of an emergency landing.)

5:30 p.m. End helicopter tour. Enjoy increased physical attraction due to sharing a moderately dangerous experience.

6:30 p.m. Arrive via rideshare service at Tiki Tom’s (David is rebuilding his rating following an Uber Pool dispute, so you will hail the ride. David will pick up the drinks). Continue to discuss helicopter ride and David’s photos from his trip to New Zealand.

7:45 p.m. Purchase second round of drinks (would you mind getting these?). Share stances on political issues (i.e. climate change, reproductive rights, systemic racism).

8:30 p.m. After reaching a tasteful level of inebriation, be prepared to answer questions about the guy in your third profile picture.

9:30 p.m. If there is still a “spark” at this time, David may extend an invite to his apartment (located approximately .5 miles away from Tiki Tom’s).

10:15 p.m. Pending mutual consent, commence light sexual experience (i.e. kissing, clothed intimate touching, reciprocated oral sex).

11 p.m. Option to leave, or spend the night at David’s apartment. (Size L T-shirt and glass of water is provided.)

Best regards,

Susan

***

Hi, Susan -

It’s been a week since my third date with David, so I wanted to follow up and see where he was at in the dating process. Please let me know when you think he will select a candidate, and what I should do with the shirt I borrowed after our last date.

P.S. Attached is a photo of a dog in a sweater I saw that made me think of him (inside joke!).

Lauren

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Lauren,

Unfortunately I have no information regarding the timeline for this position. David is unable to make a decision because “things are nuts at work right now.” I will provide an update as soon as possible.

You may keep the shirt.

Best regards,

Susan

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Sounds great!

Lauren

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Lauren,

I spoke with David, and he has decided to not move forward with your application because he does not have time to be in a relationship. You certainly are super great, but things are just totally crazy right now. Good luck in your dating endeavors, and have a happy New Year!

Best regards,

Susan