(55) The Woman Inside, Lauren’s Journey

I was recently asked how I knew I was intersex. I know that I have included some of that story in previous posts that may have answered that question, but, in view of the struggle we face just trying to justify our existence, I wanted to provide a more concise version of that part of my journey.

In order for me to arrive at the precise moment, and meet with a doctor who took the time to read through my medical records, I had to come down with a medical condition common to women, a serious urinary tract infection. But let me back track a bit.

Although I was AMAB, I knew when I was three years old that I was supposed to be a girl, and that thought and accompanying feelings never left me throughout my entire life. I have always been visibly feminine which often made life difficult as it resulted in being singled out as such and teased, bullied and also the focus of much attention from various doctors as I grew. I often had periods of intense pain in my lower groin area, enough pain that I would curl up into a fetal position in bed to find a bit of relief. I spent numerous hours being poked and prodded and being examined in various ways. Nothing was ever explained to me as to what was happening or what was wrong, my parents were also very quiet but, at the same time often taking peaks at my private parts.

When I hit puberty, my body developed in decidedly different ways from what is ordinary for a male. I grew boobs, my bum, thighs and hips got bigger, my voice hardly changed at all, I never developed an Adams apple, and…my private parts never grew at all, they remained the same size as they were prior to entering puberty.

So, yes, I knew I was definitely different, feminine, attracted to all things feminine, and that I was supposed to be a girl.

I grew up in a time period where boys were boys and expected to act accordingly, be rough and tough, strong and able. I wasn’t!

Almost all of my friends were girls and I was comfortable being with them, identified with them and had no interest in hanging with the guys. There was, at that time, no terminology to describe who I was, nobody had heard of being Transgender or intersex and I was simply called a sissy, fag, or girly boy. I was told I throw a ball, walk, talk, sit, stand, and act…”like a girl.”

So, I was different, didn’t know why, but accepted that and went on with my life.

I dressed in my mother and sister’s clothes and felt completely natural doing so, these were the clothes I was supposed to wear, I was crossdressing when wearing male clothing. I did get married to a gal who was actually attracted to my gentle nature, had never had a relationship with a man so didn’t notice my unique physical attributes, and we had, and successfully raised, two kids. Even then, I was always aware of my feminine longings. By then the world was aware of transsexuals and transvestites, who we now call crossdressers. I figured I was a crossdresser and left it at that. The whole concept of being a transsexual and actually becoming a woman was a fascinating but, seemingly impossible, dream.

My wife lost her battle with cancer and my kids already had their own kids, so I was alone. Again, my mind was aware of her, the voice of who I referred to as, “The Woman Inside.” She had always been there, whispering to me over the years, and now she wasn’t whispering but being more persuasive.

It took needing heart surgery for me to finally listen to my heart. While recovering I finally came to the realization, and accepted, that I was not a crossdresser but a transgender woman.

I “came out” to the world and where I work, that I was transgender and would be transitioning to living and working, as a woman. That was almost three years ago.

I have been involved with a long term study on aging. I was selected 12 years ago to be part of this study, and every three years I go for a very thorough medical exam. They check vision, hearing, bone density, grip strength, mobility, mental acuity, lung capacity, measure height and weight, blood pressure, give you an ECG and take 9 vials of my blood. My last examination was two year ago, and I had transitioned to living as a woman. They were keenly interested in seeing the differences and said it was obvious that the change was having a positive effect on my health. This time I inquired about what they check when doing my blood work. She said, “…this time we’re going to check absolutely everything.”

Fast forward to last year, arriving at the local ER because I had blood in my urine. I had already changed my gender and am viewed as a woman in the province I live in. I had lots of tests, was asked lots of questions, and then sent into the waiting room where I waited for almost 5 hours. I was finally ushered into a cubicle and a lady doctor came and introduced herself. She proceeded to ask me many questions about myself, my past, and growing up. She told me things about myself I wasn’t even aware of. She explained that she had spent several hours going over my medical records, and there was a lot of information and notes written about me over the years. One item often mentioned was the size of my privates, and my “unique anatomy”. She asked if any doctors had ever mentioned ‘intersexuality’, I told her I couldn’t recall such a question. She said it was obvious that my previous doctors had noticed things but hadn’t said anything. I told her that I had noticed many times where doctors had been “scratching their heads” and I would ask what was wrong. The reply was always that it “wasn’t important”. She laughed, and said, “Well, it actually is quite important.” You came in here identifying as a trans woman, and, due to your unique anatomy developed a condition common to women. You have a urinary tract infection and have what is known as a micro penis. Your records show that your chromosomes are XXY, you have high estrogen levels, that, along with your physical attributes, shows us that you are an intersex person. She placed her hand on my knee and said, “Lauren, you are a woman!”

How I had always felt, what I had always “known,” was true! I am a woman. I have said, in several versions of the story of my journey, that it was as if all the missing pieces of the puzzle of my life, finally fell into place. I have found out that I was born with what is called Partial Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, which means my body, while still in the womb, was resistant to androgen, the male hormone.

My journey continues. Intersex people are, quite literally, born that way! There is nothing “wrong” with us, we are “biological. We just happen to be natures way of poking huge holes in all the binary theories that are being talked about in the media. We are ordinary people who are a bit different and unique, and we just want to live our lives and be accepted.