You’re Tearing Me Apart, Lisa!

Last weekend I found this little gem on Reddit. However, I was both shocked and devastated when I realized this descriptive song on the plotline of Tommy Wiseau’s titular work of art, The Room, did not have hundreds of millions of views. That’s the least Rachel Glassberg deserves, come on guys.

For those of you who are not familiar, The Room is a movie about Johnny’s, Tommy Wiseau’s character, love triangle between his fiancée, Lisa and his best friend Mark. And it is amazing.

Here’s the thing, Johnny is a super cool, romantic, rich, and generous lover with luscious hair. He’s basically sex on a bun. Oh, and did I mention he takes in the orphaned neighbor kid Danny and pays for him to live in the townhouse next to them in San Francisco? What a dreamboat.

Lisa is an adulterous harlot who seduces his best friend Mark AND accuses Johnny of abuse. She even turns Mark against Johnny, all while living in Johnny’s house and being a stay at home girlfriend! Can you guys believe?

Side note, every time I think about Lisa I just imagine her lounging on a chaise, eating bonbons, and being fanned by ripped dudes. That’s the embodiment of her character.

Poor, mega awesome Johnny is the ultimate victim. He finds out about the affair, does some sleuthing, humps a red dress, and kills himself. Because that is the only way to solve your problems.

Other things this movie has going for it are the 5 sex scenes in the first half hour and the unexplained drug plot line. Danny bought drugs, guys. And gets accosted by drug dealing thugs on the roof when Johnny come up to save him. They all have a good cry about it, and then it’s dropped. Incredible. Also spoiler, Lisa’s mom has breast cancer.

It’s like he grew up on Soaps and was like “Yeah, this will make for a compelling drama!” Oh Tommy, you were so right.

Oh my gosh and all that symbolism for passion and infidelity? Red dress: check. Red billowy curtains: check. Red roses: check. #DEEP.

We are all so blessed to have this film, and if we really work hard we can give Tommy the props he deserves. James Franco has taken up the cause, and so can you!

In all seriousness, I know it sounds like I’m talking a lot of smack, but this film really has given me so much joy. And, you know, it’s not like I made a film. If Tommy Wiseau came up to me today and said, “Okay smartass, let’s see your film” I’d have nothing. Well played, hypothetical Tommy.

But I’m still gonna link this video, this video, and this video. Because parody videos are funny.