Fond Memories of Online Dating
Or, That Time Jizzking83 Asked if I Swallow
When I first moved to New York, I took a stab at online dating via OKCupid. It was a lot of fun meeting men who also believed in dinosaurs and vaccination, and some who hailed from exotic, faraway places like Queens. Before I knew it, I was dating a guy who was very unemployed, smelled a bit like eggs, and stole from me occasionally. Hooray!
But that was nothing compared to all the crazy messages I received over the years. To this day, I still wonder what would have happened if I’d responded to the first message from MasterBlaster420: “anal y/n?” I still think of Mr. Blaster from time to time, so as a toast to those memories, I’ve pulled together a small collection of super-weird interactions that will have you:
Have great stories of your own? Please comment and share them.
♥ ‘I quit online dating was because a dude said, “I follow you on Twitter,” and started screen-capping my tweets and messaging them to me, and I got totally creeped out.’ — Khadijah M. Britton
♥ ‘From 2 days ago on OkCupid. Message received: “you like gangbangs which make you the center of love and lust? :!)”’ — Arikia Millikan
♥ ‘I have had one terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Match date. He was a lawyer from Myrtle Beach, which probably should have sent a few red flags flying, but what can I say? I’m a sucker for a Southern Gentleman. He took me to an empty Tex-Mex restaurant in Midtown late on a Saturday night and spent the entire evening lecturing me on how global warming is a myth. At one point he said, “I’m not a violent man, but if I could kill one person, past or present, it would be Al Gore.” The check came right as I declined going home with him to watch The Great Global Warming Swindle and polish off a six-pack, and he told me that if I was just in this to date a lawyer and get “Louis Vuitton bags and shit”, I was out of luck. When he stormed off to the bathroom, I threw down enough cash to cover the entire tab and ran away.’ — Meghan Rowland
♥ ‘Once on Tinder, a man asked me straight off the bat if I had a good relationship with my parents. I replied “Yes, they’re awesome.” He went on to inquire at length about my dad, and when he learned that I adore my father and that my parents are still together he said, “Never mind. You’re not damaged enough for me.”’ — Lauren O’Neil
♥ ‘I went on an OKCupid date all of once. The guy’s first-date material was to regale me with stories of his best blotto behavior and how he had, on more than one occasion, gotten into fistfights with homeless people.’ — Katie DeRogatis
♥ ‘I was talking to this really interesting guy for a few days online and we were having some really great conversations. What initially got me interested in him was his first message to me was thoughtful and not vulgar which, I’m used to getting now. So…about a week after talking I mentioned meeting up with him. We set a time and day and I was really excited to finally meet someone “nice”. The day before, he texted me asking him if I could send a picture of my feet and I was like, “lol? why,” and he replied, “i have a foot fetish so if your feet aren’t cute i don’t think we should even bother.” I stopped talking to him.’ — Amber Gordon
♥ ‘[I met this guy for] an enjoyable brunch in SoHo, then afternoon drinks at a bar near there. He got kind of tipsy and, framing the story in a jokey way, proceeded to tell me the story behind how he had been arrested on charges of sexual assault. He brought this up totally on his own, and I was blindsided. He topped it off with, “This was a very painful period for me.”’ — Alex Ossola
Have a crazy story of your own? Comment here, or tweet me a screenshot: @laurenwick