Are Emotions Creating Communication Mix-Ups in Your Neurodiverse Relationship? Try “Zones of Regulation”
You can find a video version of this blog content here.
One of the biggest sources of confusion, conflict, and miscommunication in neurodiverse couples is EMOTION. For all of us, whether or not we’re neurodivergent, emotions play a significant role in how and what we communicate. Emotions also impact how we receive communication — it can effect how we interpret what’s been said to us and it can even impact what words we hear and remember during a conversation.
Neurodiverse couples tend to get tripped by emotions in their communication because of neurological differences that impact how emotions are processed. When we process our emotions differently than our partner does, as is often the case across different neurotypes (such as autistic, ADHD, allistic, neurotypical, etc), that means we experience the same emotions differently internally and we express the same emotions differently externally. That makes it really easy for us to misinterpret our partner’s emotions and it increases the likelihood our partner will misinterpret our emotions. This creates inaccurate assumptions that color communication, which can lead to conflicts and experiences of disconnection.
In addition, both partners in a neurodiverse relationship may be more prone to experiences of emotion dysregulation (“emotional experience or expression that interferes with goal-directed activity”).
Neurodivergence is often associated with feeling emotions more intensely; many neurodivergent people find that their feelings show up powerfully in ways that are more challenging to manage or slow down than what the average neurotypical person experiences.
Partners who are neurotypical may be more prone to emotion dysregulation, too. Some have complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) from repeated childhood relational trauma (some consider this a form of “acquired neurodivergence”). Others lack knowledge and experience regarding how to effectively communicate across neurological differences and may find themselves easily triggered or frustrated by the unique challenges they encounter.
When we put all of this together, it’s no wonder emotions can muddy the waters when you’re trying to understand and be understood by your partner!
While the topic of emotions in neurodiverse relationships is a huge and complex, there is a simple tool that can help you navigate this challenge with greater ease: zones of regulation. First, I’ll share with you what these zones are. Then I’ll share with you ways you can use them to improve communication with your partner.
Zones of Regulation were developed by an occupational therapist named Leah Kuypers in response to her experiences working with students who had challenges with emotion regulation. There are four zones, each with a corresponding color: green, blue, yellow, and red. None of these zones are good or bad, all can serve helpful functions for us and each can be a crucial indicator of what we need to do to care for ourselves.
The green zone is when your nervous system is calm, stable, and ready to do just about anything. Common emotions associated with this zone include happy, content, focused, and proud. You may feel most capable of completing tasks or solving problems; you may also feel more receptive, open-minded, and flexible in this zone.
The blue zone is when your nervous system is slowing down. Common emotions associated with this zone include sad, tired, sick, and bored. You may find yourself shutting down, zoning out, or getting quiet in this zone.
The yellow zone is when your nervous system is getting a little bit revved up. Common emotions associated with this zone include worried, frustrated, silly, and excited. You still feel like you have some control over your body, your actions, and your words but it’s a looser sense of control than you have in the green zone. You may be moving or talking faster, your thoughts may be starting to spin, you may find it harder to focus or to attend to what’s happening around you.
The red zone is when your nervous system is so revved up, you’ve largely lost control of your body, your actions, and your words. Common emotions associated with this zone include elated, panicked, angry, and terrified. You may be talking very loudly or yelling, making large body movements (like shaking your fists, jumping, slamming doors), your thoughts may feel jumbled or fuzzy or so laser focused everything else disappears. It’s important to note that, for a variety of reasons, some people can appear very calm on the outside even when their internal experience is in the out-of-control red zone.
(You can view an infographic summary of all four zones here.)
To improve communication in your neurodiverse relationship, you can use these zones to:
a) identify what you need to do for yourself
b) identify what you need from your partner
c) communicate with your partner efficiently about what is happening internally for you
d) check-in with your partner what is about what is happening internally for them
For example, let’s say it’s been a particularly difficult week with added stressors at work and home. You may notice that you feel exhausted and overwhelmed, you identify that you are in the blue zone. You then recognize that you need time to decompress and rest (a). You know that what you need from your partner is a few hours to be alone in your room this evening (b).
You and your partner have learned about zones of regulation, so you go to them and say “I’m in the blue zone right now and really need some space to recharge; are you able to give me a few hours alone in my room this evening?” (c ). “Sure,” they say.
“What zone of regulation are you in today?” you ask (d).
They respond, “I’m heading into the yellow zone myself, there’s a lot I’m worried about with this situation with my mom. After you take your time alone, would you be able to listen to me vent for about 5–10 minutes? It would help me to put words to some of what’s on my mind.” “Sure,” you say.
There are a lot of other ways you could use zones of regulation, too:
-To check-in with each other at the end of each day
-To get clarity when you’re confused about what your partner is feeling
-To ask each other if you’re both in a good place to have a difficult conversation
-To recognize when one or both of you need to pause a conversation that is becoming conflictual or confusing
-To look back on a miscommunication and better understand what each of you were experiencing at the time
To get started using these tool, take a few minutes right now to practice with identifying these zones. What zone are you in right now? Can you identify examples in the past 1–2 weeks of times where you were in each of the four zones? You can also give this article to your partner and both of you can share your answers to these questions with each other.
Remember that new tools can take a lot of practice, so be patient with yourself and your partner as you learn how to identify these zones and how to best use them in your communication with each other. With time, the effort you put into developing this skill will pay off by making your communication smoother, easier, and more effective. As an added bonus, you’ll become more aware of your own emotions and better equipped to respond to them in the ways that work best for you.
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