How “Twice-Compassion” Can Help Your Neurodiverse Relationship
There are moments of struggle, discomfort, and emotional pain in all relationships — it’s an inevitable part of two humans, with all their differences and uniqueness, finding their way toward each other.
These include:
-Feeling like you are misunderstood or unheard by your partner
-Feeling like you are “too much” or “not enough” for your partner
-Feeling hurt or upset by something your partner did (or didn’t do)
-Receiving feedback that something you did (or didn’t do) hurt or upset your partner
-Becoming emotionally dysregulated during a conflict with your partner and saying something you regret (or experiencing your partner do this)
While these difficult moments are a part of all relationships to some degree, if you’re in a neurodiverse relationship where you and your partner have different neurotypes (such as autism, ADHD, neurotypical, etc) you will likely have these experiences more frequently. No one is at fault for this, it’s just an inevitable part of two humans with two very different brains find their way toward each other.
While this may sound like bad news, as a neurodiverse couples therapist I have witnessed over and over again how recognizing this dynamic within your relationship can actually lay the foundation for positive changes. The more you can accept that struggle, discomfort, and emotional pain can’t be avoided in your relationship and understand how your neurological differences contribute to that fact, the quicker you can recover from these moments. You may even find that you can reconnect more effectively and learn together from these upsets with greater gentleness, humor, and ease.
What I call “twice-compassion” is key to this process; it consists of one part self-compassion and one part partner-compassion. I teach this framework in depth in my neurodiverse couples workshops as well as in my supportive online course for partners of adults on the autism spectrum because I find it to be so essential for personal and relational well-being in neurodiverse relationships.
Let’s take a closer look at each of these components.
Self-Compassion
According to Kristin Neff, a leading scholar and advocate for self-compassion, self-compassion is defined as “being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate”. Self-compassion is an ability to relate to ourselves in a kind, comforting way when we encounter difficulties in life, including when we’re hurt or struggling in our relationships.
The framework for self-compassion Neff developed consists of three parts, 1) mindful awareness, 2) common humanity, 3) self-kindness. To better describe these three parts, let’s look at an example.
Imagine you’ve just had a misunderstanding in your neurodiverse relationship that caused a lot of frustration and hurt. You start by saying to yourself something like, “Ouch, this hurts a lot — this is a painful moment, it’s very hard to be here again in this place of being unheard by someone I love so much”. You might even go on to say to yourself, “I can feel tension in my shoulders, my heart is racing, I can’t think straight — it’s hard to feel like this.” That’s mindful awareness, the intentional recognition that you’re in emotional pain.
Then you go on to remember that you’re not alone or flawed in the pain you’re experiencing, that this is something that is a part of being human. You say to yourself, “There are other people in neurodiverse relationships who struggle with misunderstandings, too” or “Difficulty being understood is something everyone experiences at times”. If you’re neurodivergent, you might say to yourself, “People with my neurotype (autism, ADHD) often have experiences like this in relationships and they feel pain similar to what I’m feeling right now”. That’s common humanity.
Finally, you identify a way to treat yourself with care in response to your distress. Perhaps you listen to your favorite playlist of soothing music, go for a walk, take quiet time in bed with the lights off, practice a calming breathing exercise, or simply say to yourself “This is hard right now, but you’re going to get through this”. Anything you can do to bring calm and comfort, big or small, brief or in-depth, is engaging in self-kindness.
Developing self-compassion takes time and intention for most of us. It is not easy or an overnight fix. If you are neurodivergent or if you have had trauma in your life (or both), self-compassion will probably take more practice to learn and it may take you more time to move through each of these parts. Being patient with yourself as you encounter difficulty practicing self-compassion is in and of itself being self-compassionate!
To learn more about self-compassion as well as to find tools that can support your ability to practice it, check out my self-compassion resource library.
Partner-Compassion
I define partner-compassion as “the feeling that arises when confronted with your partner’s suffering; especially your partner’s suffering connected with interactions in your relationship that elicit challenging feelings based in neurological differences”. We can also borrow from the language of self-compassion and think of partner-compassion as turning toward your loved one “with warmth and understanding” when they experience struggle, discomfort, or emotional pain in your relationship.
Building partner-compassion in a neurodiverse relationship begins with understanding that your loved one has challenges, limitations, and internal default settings that are quite different than your own (and yes, this is true if your partner is neurotypical — neurotypical brains have challenges and limitations, too!). Some of what is painful for your partners may be very, very different than what is painful for you. It can be hard to make sense out of someone else’s suffering when it arises from a circumstance that wouldn’t be uncomfortable for you. Try to trust and make room for your partner’s emotional experience and internal struggles without judgement or interpretation through your own lens.
Learning about common neurodiverse relationship experiences for your partner’s neurotype can be very helpful. Sometimes we can hear information with a more open mind when it’s coming from a source that isn’t so close to us. Find interviews, blog posts, podcasts, and books where people like your partner (the same neurotype in a relationship with someone with your neurotype) tell their stories and see if you discover points of commonality between their descriptions and things you’ve heard your partner express. Join a support group, workshop, or course with other neurodiverse couples and learn from the voices of people with the same neurotype as your partner. Individual and couples therapy can also be helpful places to learn partner-compassion; your therapist (if they are neurodiversity informed) can help you better understand and care about the difficulties your partner has in your relationship.
It can be hard to hear directly from your partner about what is painful for them in your relationship, but making time and space for conversations like this is important and often healing for both of you. When more acute emotional pain or dysregulation has passed and everyone is in a calm, grounded emotional state, seek to understand what happened for your partner. Take turns intentionally focusing on one person’s perspective at a time (perhaps for about 5–10 minutes, then switch) rather than both trying to express your perspectives back and forth simultaneously. If both of you have practiced self-compassion before this conversation and continue to practice it as you talk things thru, you will likely be better able to express your perspective gently (without harsh blame or criticism) and be more open to hearing your partner’s perspective (without defensiveness or invalidating remarks).
It may take more than one attempt to have this conversation; it’s okay if you need to take breaks or try again at a later time. Conversations like this take a lot of emotional and mental energy and both partners needs to be in a space where they feel ready and able to engage.
Benefits of Twice-Compassion
It will take practice, patience, and perseverance but the payoff for twice-compassion can be huge for your personal and relational well-being, especially when both you and your partner are working on developing these skills.
In neurodiverse relationships where twice-compassion is present, I witness:
-Partners softening toward one another and interacting with more honesty and flexibility
-More creative, effective problem solving as criticism and defensiveness stop getting in the way of teamwork
-Increased connection and trust as partners feel increasingly cared for, seen, and understood
-Greater intentionality from both partners regarding what to address in the relationship and what to accept, let go, or shrug off
Twice-Compassion does not need to be perfect or complete (it’s always a work in progress). Even small steps toward self-compassion and partner-compassion can go a long way in your neurodiverse relationship.
Want to keep learning and getting support from me for your neurodiverse relationship? Join my email list and let’s keep in touch.
