Prioritizing FUN in Your Neurodiverse Relationship
fun (noun): enjoyment, amusement, or lighthearted pleasure
(Oxford Dictionary)
Are you having enough fun in your neurodiverse relationship?
If you answered “no”, you’re not alone. Plenty of couples, regardless of neurotypes, get ground down by the drudgery of managing a household, working overtime to pay the bills, raising kids, and all other forms of adulting. Over time, this creates a relationship that feels more like a task-coordination machine than a close connection that sparks joy for both partners.
For neurodiverse couples in particular, challenges with executive functioning for one or both partners can make everyday responsibilities feel insurmountable to meet. Often, one partner feels they are carrying more of the load, which can lead to communication patterns riddled with nagging, criticism, withdrawal, and defensiveness. Feelings of resentment end up simmering for both partners — tempers and disconnects flare easily as a result.
In addition, some neurodivergent partners find it difficult to pull away from work and struggle with shifting into personal time at the end of a demanding work day. They may need additional time alone to decompress and recharge, which leaves less time for doing things together as a couple.
On top of these dynamics, mixed-neurotype couples can find it challenging to identify activities that are fun for both partners. Neurodivergent partners may have special interests they want to engage in together, but neurotypical partners may find such interests too foreign or difficult to engage with at a similar level of intensity. Partners may have very different preferences for genres of movies or tv shows that can’t be readily negotiated. Different sensory profiles can make the same activity enjoyably stimulating for one partner yet painfully overstimulating for the other partner. One partner may love to be out and about while the other may be more of a homebody.
And there may also be very different ideas about when or how often to have fun. One partner may struggle to relax or let loose while chores remain undone or the house is cluttered while the other may be up for fun pretty much all the time. One partner may need a lot more time for rest or quiet while the other likes to be on the go.
Overtime, because of all of these differences, partners can become sensitive to the likelihood of rejection when they attempt to invite the other into an experience of fun. For some couples, this means an attempts to initiate fun quickly devolve into a conflicts. For other couples, both partners stop trying to invite shared fun because repeated rejections have left them both worn down and defeated.
Add up everything I’ve described here, plus common challenges neurodiverse couples experience with communication, and you have a recipe for fun to take the backseat in your relationship.
(If you’re one of those rare neurodiverse couples that bucks this trend, take a moment to appreciate and celebrate that about your relationship, you’ve got a real strength you’ve developed together!)
AND YET…FUN is so important for keeping your relationship connected and satisfying. Without fun, the inherent difficulties of navigating neurologial differences can feel far more depleting and draining. Without fun, it can be hard to appreciate what you find attractive and interesting and even sexy about your differences. Without fun, your relationship can feel like one more chore on a long, boring list of tasks that exhaust you.
Fun keeps your relationship juicy, lively, interesting, enjoyable, and worth the effort.
To help you prioritize fun in your relationship, here are some ideas about ways you can play together.
Get moving together. Movement can be so good for our mental and physical well-being and it can also bring a different energy to our interactions. Examples including walking in your neighborhood, doing yoga or other exercise classes at home or at a gym, or running a local 5K race.
Get outside together. Fresh air, vitamin D, the sights and sounds of nature — all can boost our mood and help us feel good. Consider hiking, going for a picnic in a park, gardening, or camping.
Get creative together. Creativity gets us into different ways of thinking and engaging with the world around us, which can help spark new ways of relating to your partner. Take a painting class, play musical instruments or sing karaoke together, go photo hunting around your home or neighborhood, bake and decorate unique treats.
Try something new together. Some brains really need novelty to come alive and all of us can benefit from discovering something new we didn’t know we liked. Make a new recipe together, visit a new restaurant in town, take a day trip to somewhere you’ve never been, try your hand at axe throwing, take a dance class, rearrange or redecorate part of your home.
Create traditions together. Some brains really thrive on routine and we can all enjoy having something familiar to look forward to doing over and over again. Have unique at-home menus or particular restaurants associated with all of your favorite special occasions, have a predictably ordered date-night in once a week, have an after dinner beverage or dessert time together each night, have a list of holiday movies you watch together every December, visit the same vacation destination every year on your anniversary.
Do something low-energy, easy, relaxing together. The demands and stresses of life can take a lot out of you, it’s important to have some ways you can have fun together even when you don’t have much energy. Watch movies or tv shows together at home together, order in take out, play board games or video games, read good books sitting next to one another.
Now that I’ve primed you with ideas for what to do, here are a few tips on ways to work together to bring fun into your relationship.
Have a brainstorming session. Look at this article together and write down the suggestions I listed that appeal to either one of you. Then keep generating additional ideas, writing everything down that appeals to one of you even if it feels like a no-go for the other. You’re aiming to get as many ideas down on paper at this stage without editing each other. Be sure to include things you have already done on this list as options for activities you could do again or could do more of in the future.
Take turns taking the lead on fun suggestions. Let one partner come up with a few possibilities they’re excited about, then have the other make the final choice. Switch next time. This process helps create some balance and provides a structure for shared decision making that can smooth out communication speedbumps.
Be willing to get a little uncomfortable. Stretch yourself a bit to meet your partner in what is fun for them — you might surprise yourself by enjoying it, too. Don’t push yourself to the point where you set yourself up for failure, it’s okay to know your limits, but do try to break out of the mold of what you usually think of as fun for you.
Be intentional about alcohol/substance use. Alcohol is often associated with fun in our culture, but it also ruins enjoyable evenings for lots of couples. When inhibitions are down, conflicts can erupt more easily and partners can lose sight of being present to one another. Be honest with one another about how alcohol mixes with your relationship and curb your consumption if needed — there are increasingly great non-alcoholic adult beverages you can enjoy instead.
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