I was talking to Mom. We were sharing thoughts on the kids, and how fun it will be to do all the activities and games I’d sent Lorelei for her birthday. Wordlessly, we shared our mutual love of all our family. Then she said something odd, jolting even: “Then you must go back.” The glowing light began to fade a bit as I took stock of my physical feelings. Wait…I don’t have any pain at all! How long has that been? I then noticed my limbs were numb, my face was too. Oh…huh. I wasn’t breathing. Breathe, I thought, and drew in a deep, cleansing breath. I tried to feel for the pulse in my neck through fingers which had no feeling. When I finally felt the first slow beat begin, the realization came to mind that the warm glowing light was gone, and as the numbness ceded to the usual pain, understanding returned.
After a few deep, crackling breaths, the return of consciousness, and the assessment of feeling in my body…oh yeah, the shoulder and neck pain is back — full strength — there’s the kidney pain, hello excruciating hips and knees…heart’s beating a smidge less slowly, probably around 30-40 bpm now. Great, here comes the headache…aaaaand I’m back. Fully inhabiting my body, every beautiful and horrible inch of it, every cell. Well, minus the several thousand brain cells I probably lost this time.
Now a doctor would probably tell me this was just awakening after an extended apneic attack. If I do choose to relay this to my doctor, he will undoubtedly push me to have more sleep apnea studies. Silly, because I have had several already over the years, and never “passed” a single one. I am just non-compliant with attempting to sleep with a mask on my face that inevitably causes me to get a sinus infection upon first use, even with brand new equipment. And really, I have a hard enough time with getting to sleep, and staying asleep as it is. All that crap on my face, and the tubes and the noise? Please. It never worked for me. I hear there’s a new kind of bi-pap that’s just a small device that fits in your nose, with no wires or tubes like the old cpap, but my insurance doesn’t cover it, I’m sure. It hardly covers anything anymore. But I suppose I should look into it unless I do want to cross over and stay, sooner than later.
Then I am reminded of why I stay, despite the pain. And I smile. Time to begin another day.