A Swift Update Upon the Status of the Zorbit Invasion

The alien race attacked swiftly and methodically. Zorbits, as they came to be called, focused rounds on highly specific targets within American society. One armada, recognized by a hexograph banner of flowers and clouds, repeatedly formed out from thin air, and dropped unexpectedly down upon American universities. Attacks were lethal. The Zorbit armada bombed upon the campuses a layer of gendered paraphernalia: pink toys, scented with strawberries and lilies, perfect bust-to-hip ratio dolls, all labeled “for girls”; blue toy trucks, embellished with grime, grease, and dirt, along with footballs and hard hats labeled “for boys”. Glowing signs virtually* popped up along university pathways, and startled innocent powerwalkers and loiterers. Male and female sex symbols — respectively glowing blue and pink — were borne on these signs. Zorbit pamphlets that advertised a “straight-straight” alliance rained down from the heavens. The alien ships had mounted speakers which blasted profane words of gender, which I — for the sake of decency — shall not so eagerly mutter here.

Numerous accounts describe a tumbleweed of printed academic reports that attributed the wage gap to the feminine bias towards taking jobs of liberal arts, secretarial work, elementary and secondary education, and gender studies. This, however, incited riots not against the Zorbits, but further stoked the anger of rabid Amazonian Warriors who focused assault against their own man-kind.

Our numbers at universities nation-wide were crippled, though some entities remained largely unscathed. Junior colleges of the Deep South entertained bolstered student activities and leadership as the attacks commenced. These students were reportedly driven by a heightened sense of reality, and actively protested against the arming of mankind against the Zorbits. These chronically aggressive minorities of the population of man founded a renaissance of peace — later to be known as the Zorbital Rights Movement of the Newly Risen South.

Secular churches were also largely unaffected by the attacks, and even produced great warriors. These men (for they were mostly men) emerged in the name of God, to beat down the unholy abominations threatening the human race. For the Zorbits (and judging only by the expressly educated observations of the nation’s most elite scientists) were all of one gender, and thus reproduced accordingly. These poor Zorbits, unaware that their a-gendered nature was of any cause to the uprising of the religious warriors of mankind, were softly driven back by the passive-aggressive denouncements of their digressions towards God, though quickly returned as they found that the attacks bore no actual harm.

*literally figuratively