The Poppies On Football Shirts Must Be Bigger
As I was watching yesterday’s Barclays Premier League clash between Everton and Tottenham Hotspur at Goodison Park, I couldn’t help but feel that something wasn’t quite right. And it wasn’t just the sub-par football on display. Remembrance Day is just around the corner. As an army veteran and an avid football fan, I firmly believe football shirts with poppies are the perfect way to honour the sacrifice made by our troops; past, present and future. But poppies alone are not enough. That’s because these poppies were too small to celebrate. And so, the poppies on football shirts must be bigger.
Before I go on, I must first address the lack of poppies on football shirts worn by Tottenham yesterday. A disgusting decision, although one which cannot be considered a surprise when you note the Argentine nationality of the coach. Still sore we beat his lot in The Falklands, I bet. Well, Mauricio, I didn’t learn excruciatingly difficult methods of interrogation (not torture) like waterboarding so you could snub the memory of my brothers in arms. Is it any wonder your team conceded so late on? I hope to see your boys line up on Saturday against Sheffield United with the biggest poppies in the league, and preferably less foreigners in your starting XI. It’s no surprise Milton Keynes born attacker Dele Alli was your sides only goal scorer, proving once more that English players are technically and genetically superior to their immigrant counterparts.
The home team had the decency at least to have poppies on their shirts. But this decency ended there. The size of these poppies, to put simply, were disgraceful. The many difficulties I face due to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder pale into insignificance compared to the rage I felt upon seeing those measly printed flowers. Everton keeper Jordan Pickford was far more embarrassed about the size of his poppy as opposed to the hideous yellow kit he was wearing. And rightly so! Is it any wonder Alex Iwobi misplaced the ball so badly for Tottenham’s goal? In a game as quick as football, players don’t have the eyesight to pick out these feebly-sized flowers. A larger poppy would have surely helped indicate a clear red target to aim passes. Anyone who has served in the army, or played Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, knows the benefit of a red-dot sight. One can only conclude the pre-match preparations were inadequate. Which brings me to their manger, Marco Silva. His pathetic, pinned poppy was no less than a crime against humanity. And believe me, as a former officer in the British Army, I know all about those. How can Silva expect Brazilian forward Richarlison to play with passion, if whenever he turns to his coach for advice he can barely make out a poppy? As any ex-pro will tell you, passion equals points. And nothing inspires passion like a proper British poppy.
The power of the poppy cannot be understated. As the young reject our dear Queen and beautiful flag, turning towards homosexuality and gang-music, only a message as righteous as the poppy, transmitted through the present-day idols of the beautiful game, can save them. But they can only do this if the poppy is big enough! Don’t you understand? If the poppy doesn’t dominate the shirt at least, then how will it command the hearts of our children? At current size, the poppy was only visible on close-up camera shots. The Angry Birds logo on Everton’s kit was more visible! What has this country come to? I didn’t empty hundreds of rounds of ammunition into the Iraqi countryside for this! All this disarray, it must be the foreign coaches. Proud English managers like Ian Holloway and Neil Warnock wouldn’t stand for this. Good men. Good patriots, who consistently get relegated from the top flight.
One thing is clear: the poppy on football shirts must be bigger. The benefits of a larger poppy are there for all to see — for football and nationalist reasons. Something all football fans will agree on, from teams across the country, is the monumental impact the Video Assistant Referee (VAR) is having on the game. And it cannot be seen as mere coincidence that the most impressive poppies (in both size and stature) this weekend were the virtual ones which appeared on the VAR screens, which held such power and sway on the outcomes of matches. The evidence is here, people! How much more can you need? The old saying size matters is rarely as aptly used as when in reference to poppies on football shirts. The bigger the poppy, the bigger the influence. The stats don’t lie!
The poppies on football shirts must be bigger! They must! They simply must! I cannot say how much bigger, that I confess I do not know. I’m a soldier, not a designer. I sadly don’t possess the artistic skills to create even basic flowers, let alone the giant intricate poppies on giant football shirts worn by giant Englishmen I dream of every single night. But the how does not concern me. I only know of the need, that the poppies on football shirts must be bigger. At full-time yesterday, I closed my eyes. I saw the face of a boy, barely a man, from my old regiment. I think about the last time I ever saw him, walking across the desert. I sent him to secure the perimeter of an oil drilling site. Poor lad never saw that IED coming. None of us did. I should’ve been more careful, I suppose. These thoughts helped me relate to Tottenham forward Heung-Min Son, who was sent off after giving opponent Andre Gomes a potentially career-ending injury. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we make mistakes. It’s part of the beautiful games (football and war). But there is one thing we’re certain on. Myself, Heung-Min, Andre and the boy who’s name I can’t bring myself to remember. Others too, I’m sure of it. And that thing is: the poppies on football shirts must be bigger.