There are simply just situations and things in this world that you can never understand until it happens to you. Everyone at one point thinks about what life would be like without a parent, or someone extremely close to you. I remember I would think about when I was little and would run and cry to my parents. I would start thanking them for every little thing they have ever done for me, most of the time they were confused but I just sat there, a mess of tears and snot telling them how much they mean to me. So like I said, you never truly understand something like this until it happens to you.
At school in my room I have this drawer that I put really important stuff in. Since I moved back in again last semester, the drawer was full of memories. For the past six months since my dad passing and all the memories I’ve added to this drawer, I haven’t had the strength to open it yet. When I got back this semester I was cleaning up and rearranging anything and I got to this drawer. In it was pictures, jewelry, and burned CDs that my Dad gave me. I also had the ticket to my frist concert, that he took me to. There was also a blanket that a group from the hospital made for us. (The Pictured below shows some of the things.) I think throughout this whole process, opening that drawer was the hardest thing I had to do yet. I feel like I was having to experience it and accept it all over again. I’m so glad I did. It reminded me of how faithful God has been through everything.
Losing my Dad was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but something that was even harder was keeping the faith after his passing. There were so many moments, even now, where I thought about completely giving up. Leaving Bible College, give up on my ministry dreams, and give up on God.
I always get reminded of the moments when I was on tour with Appointed(The drama team from my school) where I was on my knees saying to God “I don’t care where you take me. Take me to the deepest of waters, I will continue to follow you. No matter what. I’m yours.” Now I ask myself, is that still the cry of my heart? Am I that desperate for God still?
I’ve cried thinking of those moments. Where I was so on fire for Jesus, so in love with him, and ready for anything that was coming my way. At this point in the entire process, I finally feel like my fire is burning again. I don’t have the answers, I never will but I’m not sure if I want them. Who God is and the way he saved me has always been enough. The love he has for us is so deep and nothing can separate us from it.
Writing these blog posts help me so much. I’m able to get my thoughts and feelings down, and share them. So if you’re reading, thank you. It means the world to me.
P.S. — I had a very important audition a few days ago, and I find out if I made it in the upcoming weeks. If you can, please pray for me and God has his favor on my life. Again, THANK YOU! Hope you enjoyed reading, and I hope it inspires you.