On Sensitivity and PADs (Passive Aggressive Digs)

I have always felt things intensely. From a young age, emotions ran rampant in me — and ran the gamut.

As I began to navigate interpersonal relationships — my deep sensitivity eventually became a problem. While my sensitivity was sought after when I was cheerleading and supporting others, it became a deep annoyance if I felt insulted, slighted, or dismissed. Seems my sensitivity was only wanted when it benefitted others, rarely when it was an inconvenience.

I struggled with being myself — naturally wanting to give kudos and support, yet simultaneously attracting people who took advantage of my sensitivity and took my kindness for weakness.

This became incredibly problematic as these people used me for my sensitive energy, while establishing a stronghold where I felt repressed and unable to express hurt and pain in relation to them and their behavior.

Straddling the line of using my hyper sensitivity to help these “friends” — while not feeling free to feel EVERYTHING — became incredibly draining. I began to swallow myself in an attempt to be “tougher”. Other times I played along with the passive aggressive digs and controlling antics of my so-called “friends”. That was supposedly what people with thick skin do. They strike hard and fast offensively — or barb back defensively — leaving no survivors in their tongue lashing wake.

This behavior was respected. — and simultaneously resented — in my circle. No dig was left unpunished on either side of the verbal battlefield. Draining, right?

As I rediscovered my emotions and embarked on a new spiritual journey of total accountability, I asked myself probing questions like “what do I think of me?” and “Who am I?”

Eventually, I opened up to being my authentic, sensitive, vulnerable self. Stagnant dynamics of who could pretend nothing bothers them the longest, then passive aggressively insult the other, became unbearable and unacceptable.

I began to speak up. I demanded the same support and emotional honesty I gave — and these “friendships” could not sustain such light. This Light was my truth and my commitment to call a spade a spade and be honest enough to hurt and have feelings and flaws.

Today — I am still healing — and I accept my highly sensitive nature. I try my best to use it for the good — affirming other’s worth, supporting their goals, and learning to accept everyone as is. Most importantly — my sensitivity is now turned INWARD — I ask myself how I am feeling, listen to my body, and take no shit from no one. Self-compassion is the new order of the day.

The banter I engage in with loved ones and friends now is assertive, fun, witty, and light-hearted. Which is what true banter is. Healthy banter does not insult someone’s person or intellect, throw the past in someone’s face when they are attempting to change their life for the better, or attack their character. Fun banter does not lie and back pedal after making a cruel comment. Thoughtful banter has no need to throw someone else under the bus for a laugh or to score a point. Engaging banter assesses — it does not use harsh and categorical judgment to dismiss a person and diminish their worth. These egregious behaviors are passive aggressive cuts which are extremely damaging, swiftly eroding trust and bruising bonds.

This new zero tolerance policy I have for hurtful digs and low-blows is an awesome filter. If anyone reacts with “you’re just so sensitive” (you already know this, yet made the hurtful statement anyway), “you took it the wrong way” (the epitome of control is to tell someone how to feel), “I was just joking” (are we 10 yrs old?), or the infamous “I’m sorry you’re offended” (just, no) — then they gotta go. Period. These are emotionally abusive behaviors. Someone who cares will not dismiss your feelings, even if they don’t agree with your feeling them or understand them.

Life is much too beautiful to spend it girding my loins for the next spiritual attack from a so-called friend. While I will always love them, my former friends no longer fit. Now I focus on loving me and learning to trust that the new people I attract into my life will accept me with all my hyper-sensitive glory. Just as my sensitivity is a responsibility I must manage (my feelings are my own and I must metabolize them) it is also a responsibility for anyone who seeks to benefit from it.

After all, my sensitivity is a gift that allows me to empathize with others, feel/joy/pleasure/happiness deeply — and share those emotions with the world. Conversely — I feel hurt intensely and must spend large amounts of time alone to process emotions, reenergize, and heal.

My sensitivity is my best friend and enemy, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Thanks for reading — love and light to all.