Grading Each Lottery Pick’s Summer League/Summer League MVP and Championship Predictions

I pick up dog poop every day, and it doesn’t help that the dog is a part-time douche bag. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, I am a wunderkind. I live with my brother and his wife and their dog is named Cooper. I spend most of my days sitting with him on the couch and treating him like a real person when I have complaints about what’s happening in an NBA summer league game — I take his silence as agreement with what I’m saying. We also go on walks almost every day. Because Cooper has an insatiable love for people, every walk is like a video game, as I have to frequently re-route our normal walking routine in order to avoid having to apologize when he jumps on people in an intense display of affection.

Today our walk was particularly eventful. Cooper had just taken his frustrating semi-hard, semi-soft poop which I picked up after finding a good walkin’ around song on my phone. I was still on my phone when this ratty old car pulled up to the curb next to us. In that moment, an extremely attractive Hooter’s waitress in a tank top and booty shorts got out of the car and caught a glimpse of this dynamic duo: me, in a Red Sox hat, old t-shirt, and Notre Dame basketball shorts, and Cooper who was, unbeknownst to me, taking another mini-dump. She quickly walked away as I got out the second bag to pick it up, before I could even ask “How much?”

Even as a write this, Cooper is trying to climb on me. I think he does this just so he can step on my crotch, because he manages to find it every time.

Bottom line is this: if you’re going to have to pick up your dog’s poop, do it in a private place, because no creature looks graceful picking up another creature’s poop.

For now, I’m just kicking back and enjoying the Summer League. The rookie class this year has been more impressive than usual, specifically the lottery picks.

Lottery Pick Grades

Markelle Fultz confirmed he’s the malleable superstar everyone thought he would be, yet still got struck with the 76ers lottery pick injury curse. Although concerns about his winning mentality, detached personality, and extremely droopy eyes still linger, the kid has all the athletic tools and offensive ability to be great.

Grade: A-

Lonzo Ball eventually got it together in the second game, notching a triple double. We all got a glimpse into the future resurgence of the Lake Show as Lonzo Ball injected his contagious passing, resulting in great chemistry with the Laker’s key young players Ivica Zubac and Kyle Kuzma. Top it all off with the fact that they did it in front of the sold out crowd of Las Vegas Lakers fans. The only thing that would have made it better is if they would have won. Ha…haha. Who did they play again?

After a surprisingly rational response to Lonzo’s poor performance in his first game, LaVar Ball, Lonzo’s hype translator first and father second, returned to his old ways in the second game, saying Lonzo would “step over” Magic Johnson as the best point guard ever — phew…for a second I thought the real LaVar had been. kidnapped. Good thing he’s back, because how could we ever go on seeing the Ball family reality show without its star character? I will say this about Lonzo: were any of us really expecting that, what some would call a jumpshot’s mentally retarded cousin, to translate to the NBA?

Grade: B+

Jayson Tatum showed us he’s Paul Pierce 2.0 on the court, while looking like the next Avery Bradley in the face. I’m about 76% sure that Jayson Tatum is Avery Bradley’s Celtic spirit reincarnated. Only if Avery Bradley’s reincarnated spirit could add some better defense to Tatum’s game. Miss you already, Avery.

Grade: A

Josh Jackson showed off his athleticism and defensive prowess — good riddance to you playing on your crappy Suns team, the Celtics didn’t want you to work out for them anyway.

Grade: A-

De’Aaron Fox put on his best Roadrunner impression. Fox: “Wanna see me go coast to coast?” *two seconds later* “Wanna see me do it again?”

Grade: A-

Jonathan Isaac played well, even though we still don’t know what position he plays, but it doesn’t even really matter in today’s NBA. The more length and versatility, the better!

Grade: B

Lauri Markannen hit shots. I never want to hear or see Lauri Markkanen and Dirk Nowitzki’s names in the same sentence ever again. See definition of irony.

Grade: B-

Dennis Smith Jr. showed us he has potential to be better than all the point guards taken ahead of him — ehhem I’m looking at you, Knicks, for picking Frankie Nicotine ahead of him and MALIK MONK?! Then they turn around and pay $71 million for an older shooting guard with less potential who they traded away not two years ago — who am I kidding? At this point we should just expect the Knicks to make stupid decisions. All that aside, I’m very much looking forward to the bromance of Mark Cuban and Dennis Smith. Don’t get me wrong, I love Jayson Tatum, but secretly I wanted Ainge to pick Dennis Smith. There, I said it.

Grade: A

*I just have to say, the two teams who probably should have drafted Monk didn’t draft him, one being the Knicks where he could have lit up MSG with his hot hand and the other being the Kings, who instead of pairing Monk with his buddy, Fox, traded the pick for two more first rounders that turned into Justin Jackson and Harry Giles…okay it was probably a good deal, but still…what could have been…

Luke Kennard showed us he has the white man’s shooting touch and that he could also be the lefty Jimmy Chitwood. Detroit will definitely cherish his shooting ability. That was me trying to put a positive spin on the Piston’s current situation. How’d I do?

Grade: B+

Donovan Mitchell became the dark horse of this lottery. The kid plays some serious defense and is no slouch on offense either. In his last game today against the Grizzlies he scored 37 while also getting 8 steals. There’s something to be said for Mitchell’s fiery personality as well. In the Celtic’s Utah Summer League game against the Jazz, Mitchell had some choice words for Jayson Tatum and was not afraid to take him one on one. This resulted in a play where Mitchell bodied Tatum, dropping Tatum to the ground and leaving Mitchell all the room in the world to make a pass to the cutting big man, leading to an easy score in the clutch. He’s definitely got a point to prove to all the teams that passed on him.

Grade: A

Bam Adebayo played exactly the way you’d think he would based on his name: dunked a lot, got a lot of rebounds, and blocked a lot of guys’ shots. BAM!

Grade: A-

The three lottery exceptions are Frankie Nicotine, Malik Monk, and Zach Collins. Monk and Frankie decided to ditch the whole league entirely. Zach Collins played poorly while still looking like the preppy douche that will beat you up and steal your girlfriend. Remind me why he was a lottery pick again…? I didn’t get the memo that the WCC is now a respectable basketball conference. Ding Yanyuhang got more cheers than him in Vegas and Zach Collins is from Vegas! Ding isn’t even from this country!

Grades: F-

Other than Lonzo Ball ruining what could have been the most entertaining point guard matchup in Summer League history by sitting out in the Laker’s game against the Kings, it’s been a pretty entertaining year. Seriously, Lonzo?! De’Aaron Fox kicked your trash in the NCAA tournament and you sat out an opportunity to prove you were better? Magic would have never done that! At least he was honest with us about not having the balls to play, because the official reason for him sitting out was a “sore groin.” Hope your crotch feels better, Lonzo, my heart certainly doesn’t.

P.S. Screw everyone who laughed at me for watching the Summer League four years ago! It’s popular now. I won’t be one of those that says I liked it before it was cool…but…I did . One of the games literally sold out. Probably because people felt like they got ripped off as far as amount of playoff games they thought they would be able to watch in April. Thanks, Golden State. Also, I apologize to any Lakers fans who were offended by my almost exclusive roasting of Lonzo Ball. It’s not my fault, I’m a Celtics fan.

MVP Prediction

This is an interesting one, because they don’t factor in the prior summer leagues in Utah and Orlando. So, guys like Donovan Mitchell — the Utah Jazz’s consolation prize for losing Gordon Hayward — who have been dominant not only through the Vegas summer league, but in the Utah summer league as well, don’t really get the nod they deserve. Though, even if I were including that in my prediction, this still is not a very tough decision. Wayne Selden is my vote for Summer League MVP. I’ll admit, I have watched very little of the Grizzlies’ games, but just by sheer numbers, he’s an obvious choice. He has averaged 24.5 points, 4 rebounds, and 3 assists while shooting an extremely impressive 54.5% from three and 48.5% overall. He’s also led his squad to a perfect 3–0, giving them a bye in the first round of the tournament. I don’t give this award much weight, though, considering the likes of Josh Selby have won it. Does that guy even exist anymore?

Championship Prediction (BIAS ALERT!!)

As I’m writing this before the tournament spots have been decided, it’s difficult to make an informed prediction, but unbiasedly, I’m predicting the Boston Celtics. So what if they’re my favorite team? Shut up. The main reason they are my favorite to win the championship, other than them being my favorite sports team, is simply because they have more draft picks than most other, if not all other teams, and have finished with a perfect record. But, it’s the summer league, so who honestly knows what will happen? Might as well just predict your favorite! They also just so happen to have my favorite wing combo named after a popular gas station chain — as if there were more than one. Which, come to think of it, makes it fitting that I write this today, 7/11 day! Go out and get yourself a free slushy while enjoying the future of Celtic basketball: Jayson Tatum and Jaylen Brown. 7/11 will in fact get buckets 24 hours a day.