screw the stamp of approval, I’m done trying to be anything different than who I am
it’s exhausting. this life of trying to be different than I am. it’s been 34 years of relentless work to change myself. since I was only 7 years old. I remember the sudden disapproval of who I realized myself to be that year. and so it began. the pursuit to change who I was.
to fix myself. to mend the parts I believed to be broken. to be better. to be more of this and less of that. life has primarily centered around doing everything I can to be different than I am in any given moment.
a couple of years ago several people, within the span of just a couple of months, told me that I was going through a spiritual awakening when I described my symptoms to them. with this “diagnosis”, I thought to myself, “now this is a much holier, healthier path!”. of course it was. I could finally stop trying to change myself and just transform instead! (note to self: transformation is just a fancier word for. . . change. on a deeper, more permanent level. but change, nonetheless).
if I was seeking, seeking, seeking on the spiritual path, it somehow meant that I was moving closer to being an acceptable version of myself. hooray! I was heading somewhere. towards a truer self. a more whole self. and all of the steps to getting there were so seemingly aligned. meditation. adopting a spiritual practice. moving through the world while sprinkling it with unconditional love and acceptance. living from my heart, while I learned to tame the ego voice. there couldn’t possibly be a downside to something so virtuous, right?
I believed that having an awakening meant that nothing untrue would move into this new realm of existence. anything that wasn’t essentially me at the soul level would be shed on my way through to the “other side”. that when I found myself awakened I’d be the most acceptable I could ever be.
for awhile, this pursuit of awakening felt really. . . good. until recently, I believed I was getting closer. to that elusive thing that would finally give me that Gold Stamp of Approval. hot on the trail to a direct encounter with god. surely if god deemed me worthy of an awakening, there would be no more reasons to want to be any different than I am. I dreamed of this ultimate validation. when I could hang up my hat and call it good. I’d be done trying to change. I’d have made it!
but holy shit. this week I had a conversation with my one of my non-duality, soul sister friends. we regularly geek out for hours on the phone, philosophizing our way down rabbit holes while discussing the Big Questions and filling each other in on the latest revelations and truths we’ve come to know in the last 24–72 hours (people, this shit unfolds quickly!). I confessed to her that I was simply exhausted from this nearly life-long journey of trying to change myself. I was done. empty. I didn’t want to relentlessly pursue my Truth anymore.
and wow. saying that out loud gave me a lightning bolt moment I didn’t see coming. what I thought were such pure intentions to transform myself into this stripped-down, raw, bared-soul being was simply another attempt at wanting to change in order to find myself worthy of some elusive, damn approval. sometimes unhealthy patterns are really skilled at disguising themselves as Truth to fool us into believing we’re finally on the right path. I remember once hearing Elizabeth Gilbert warn about the hero’s journey: “friends will look like enemies, and enemies will look like friends”. I honestly never understood that until now.
coming to that realization was an incredibly liberating moment. I relaxed into my current reality at a level completely unfamiliar to me.
I vowed to myself to just buy new jeans and carry these new curves lovingly, rather than stuff the unexpected 10 pounds miserably into clothes that no longer fit.
to swap out my seemingly-tedious morning meditation with a dance party for one, because that feels more appropriate at the moment.
to accept not knowing what my Great Big Calling is and that it’s possible I never will.
to embrace my new serving job as if it’s the thing I’ll do for the rest of my life and be proud to use my skills to brighten the world one meal on the table at a time.
to enjoy this time of being a 41 year old living at home with my dad and stepmom, knowing that many of my friends don’t get the opportunity to develop adult relationships with their parents.
to fully trust that my empty bank account can be built back up again, and that it doesn’t mean anything about my value as a human being.
to let myself just walk, even if I’m not getting my heart rate up. because running feels hard on my body right now, and self-nurturing feels like more of a priority than getting in the miles.
to let myself lighten up and enjoy food. to put honey in my tea because I like it that way and fruit in my green juice because sweet is my thing. carbs, I just don’t want to fight with you anymore.
to leave behind the need to know exactly what I want. and know I’m still an awesome person even if I’m not chasing some impossible-looking dream into the future.
to be totally accepting of my reality as it is. right now. without striving or aspiring or desiring or planning or hustling to make it any different. because I want to know what it feels like to be okay with how life IS, rather than hoping it will finally be the Thing I Hope For When I Finally Get There (I’m beginning to realize that’s not actually a place after all). to let it be easy. to free myself from always seeking change. to experience a less-serious version of living. to actually live rather than always seek. to do more just being and less doing.
I’m tired. and I don’t have it in me to try hard anymore. I surrender. and this idea feels really good right now.
