I wrote in my journal as he tried his best at teriyaki chicken stir fry. The Little was finally asleep, and I had been moody all day. He was obviously trying to break the ice and get me to loosen up as it was our only hope for a decent night. After dinner, casual conversation and few glasses of wine, I convinced him to shower with me, telling him that I had every intention of having sex tonight.
We had tried last week when we were at the beach but the Little woke up mid stroke. I blushed, both embarassed and frustrated as we quickly got ourselves together and attended to her. He was asleep before she was so any hopes of resuming quickly dissipated.
We talked about our goals, made some plans for the following day before we head to the bathroom. Our shower wasn’t sexy like it once was. He didn’t graze my butt with his soapy hands like he used to, instead it was routine, like any other task we do everyday. But we don’t do it everyday. We hadn’t showered together in over a year. So mundane and uneventful, it was a still a nice escape from our usual routine where I fall asleep half clothed In the bed with the baby and he joins us hours later in the early hours of the morning, giving the couch a break. We got out of the shower and moisturized with coconut oil before the awkward silence overtook the room. “I feel like I don’t know how to do it anymore”, I told him. “Practice”, he encouraged me, “it’s like riding a bike.” You don’t know how to ride a bike I reminded him. I climbed on top,straddling him. My topic of conversation: birth control. I chastise myself silently, frustrated, I used to be sorta good at this. Having a baby has made me so unsexy. He suggests that we turn out the lights. He makes his way through our small apartment flicking off switches and lamps before peeking into the bedroom. The baby is wide awake,looking at the ceiling and tugging on the pillows. He studied her for a while before grabbing a sheet and returning to his favorite spot on the couch. I climb into the bed, pull my shirt up and let our sleepy baby suckle my breast until her eyes drop. It became clear to me that I would be getting None tonight. Or any other night, if she had anything to do with it.