How To Survive The Papal Vortex.

Today’s the last chance for New Yorkers to stock-up on almond milk and marbled rye before all traffic stops and time stands still. Francis Fury is about to set in. And for good reason. He’s using his position to speak-out against pollution, corruption, and cruelty.

This Pope is so dope.

Life as you know it is about to change. 8 million people are basically going to lose their shit over this guy, like a horde of screaming 13 year old girls at a Beatles concert. Want to stay zen and filled with a peaceful glow during the holy father’s visitation? Here’s how:

1. Fill-up your MTA card. RIGHT NOW.

Don’t mess around. You don’t wanna be one of those fools standing in line at the kiosk as your train says, “Sayonara, sucka!” and your soul fills with regret, instead of swelling with faith and hope like it should.

2. Get Your Ass Up Early.

Where do you think all of those horn-blasting commuters are going to go once the streets get straitjacketed? Into your morning train, that’s where.

Unless you love the smell of a stranger’s breakfast breath wafting 2 inches from your face, or getting smashed against some kid’s backpack in a packed-out subway, you better be up with the dawn and out before the masses. Now your commute is Pope-approved.

3. Know Your Pope Quotes

Every watercooler in the 5 boroughs will be buzzing with Pope-licious news. While your coworkers are raving over the fun-loving, feet-kissing, eco-loving gem of a Pontifex Maximus, you don’t wanna be the loser with clammy palms and nothing to say.

Brush up on some of his papal pleas for the environment, equality, and empathy. You’re probably already too stressed-out even function, so save those shaky hands for praying. We did the Googling for you:

4. Your Selfie Game Better Be On Point

… ’cause Pope Francie is willing and ready.

5. Eat Like The Pope Is Always Watching

An outspoken advocate for environmental responsibility and compassion toward animals, this Pope won’t approve of your greasy bison burger or bucket of factory-farmed hot wings. Don’t get caught with your hands covered in duck fat. Swap out your greenhouse-gas-emission lunch with some delectable plant meat instead.

Veggies are being mercilessly roasted, broiled, fried, sautéd, and beautifully plated in hundreds of Veg-friendly restaurants in NYC, like by Chloe, Beyond Sushi, Superiority Burger, Peacefood Cafe, Blossom du Jour, Taim, Champs, Cafe Clover, Mission Chinese, Dirt Candy, and more.

You have no excuses, my child.

So, let the masses mass and the people fall prostrate. You’re ready to skate past the crowds on your wheels of sanctified street savvy and papal posterity.

Don your shades and throw your deuces up to the sky as the #PapalVortex passes you by.