A Genderfluid Guide For Getting Dressed

6am Hit the snooze button several times, friend. It’s too early. Nothing good happens before 7am.

7am Look in the closet. Close the closet. Open some dresser drawers. Close some dresser drawers. Get in the shower.

7:15am Review the chair pile of I-Wore-It-Once-For-Like-An-Hour (IWIOFLAH ) clothing in the corner. Reject everything.

7:22am Go back to the closet. Finger everything a second time, especially that sheer, light blue, off-the-shoulder blouse you got at the swap meet that one time that you think about wearing at least once a week but have never actually worn out of the house, because that’s a great use of your time this morning. Close the closet.

7:24am Grab the black jeans from the very bottom of the IWIOFLAH pile in the corner and put them on. Find a spot on the right thigh that is possibly melted chocolate but more likely BBQ sauce. Wonder if you should change. Acknowledge that you don’t really care and scratch it (mostly) off with a fingernail. Grab a black T-shirt from the bottom dresser drawer which is filled with only black Tshirts that look strikingly similar to each other (because they are all identical).

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Today is Tie Day

7:25am Look at your hair in the mirror. Touch it a few times. Consider gel or paste or a spray. Look at the curling iron. Look at the blow dryer. Look at the eyeliner and mascara on the counter. Look back at the curling iron. Think about the light blue blouse again. Grab a comb and wet your hair, slick it back, hairspray the shit out of it and go with the classic Sopranos cast look.

7:26am Vacillate between wanting to put a flannel on over your Tshirt and feeling like it’s too cliche to always look like a lumberjack. Yes, you do want to wear it anyway. No, you don’t. Wait, yes, you do. Is it really cold enough outside? Does it matter? No, you don’t. Fuck it. Grab the flannel off the hanger and shove it in your bag. Throw on your worn in boots. Remove them, put on pink Chucks. Remove them, put on black Chucks. Add a black leather belt and a black leather cuff for your left wrist for a pop of color. Roll your eyes at yourself in the mirror because oh my god you’re probably going to be late now.

7:28am Almost reach the front door, keys in your hand, thermos in your bag, bag over your shoulder, bagel in your mouth, spy a pair of dangly earrings you wore about two months ago sitting in a tiny dish on the edge of the counter. Fuck, those are some nice earrings. Maybe you should wear those today. Maybe you should go back and look in your closet for something a little more feminine. Maybe you’re kind girlie today, huh? Are you? Maybe? Those earrings look pretty great with the sandals you also never wear. Maybe you should go grab those sandals, put on some makeup, curl your hair and basically oh fuck what are you doing. Allow your life to flash before your eyes. Try to see the future.

7:28:47am Hone in on around 3:45pm later today when you’ll most likely hate the earrings. Feel slobber hit your chin because it’s hard to hold a bagel in your mouth this long without taking a bite. Force yourself to walk out the door. Lock the door. Head to the car.

7:29am Walk back in the house and grab those goddamn earrings just in case motherfucking hell.

10:33am Notice your coworkers heels. They are cute. She is cute. Carry on.

11:45am Peel off the flannel. Who is in charge of the air temperature in this building, anyway? Pull your Tshirt out of your pits to dry out. Pretend you don’t sweat when the cute coworker walks by because gross. But also, it’s kinda manly to sweat, so, cool?

12:22pm Hit the bathroom, wash your hands because you are a good person, and notice that your hair now looks like Christopher Walken. Feel bad. Feel good. Christopher Walken is pretty cool. Finger the earrings in your jean’s front pocket. You can’t imagine Walken wearing them, so nope.

4:22pm Omg will this day never end. You’ve sweated in the Tshirt off and on all day until someone turned the AC on too high and then you spent the last two hours freezing your ass off (good thing you brought the flannel!) and now you hate everything.

6:45pm Walk in the front door, drop your bag on the floor, throw your keys on the table, kick off your shoes. Walk in the bedroom and consider whether your black jeans are now dirty-dirty or still just kinda-dirty. Decide that conserving water is the most important thing ever so of course you won’t wash them yet and add them back to the pile on the chair. Take a long, hot shower.

7:20pm Put on a white wife-pleaser tank and some boy-shorts underwear. Take off the underwear and put on bikini panties. Take those off and put on some yoga pants commando style.

7:24pm Add a floral silk robe because silk feels nice. Oh look, there’s that lipgloss you like. Try it on. Wipe it off. Go back and grab the earrings out of your jeans before you wash them (Haaaaa!). Fondly remember how pretty you feel in them. Put them back in the dish where they can fuck with you tomorrow.

Written by

Genderfluid, Queer (she/they/he) Sex Positive Writer, Health & Wellness Mentor, committed to cultural humility & equity. leahblooms.com IG:@leahblooms

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