Failing To Love Yourself

This is terrifying. I’m an advocate for vulnerability and how powerful it can be. Yet everytime I start to be vulnerable on this platform I start to feel anxious and my chest suddenly gets tighter, like it can’t hold the heart and lungs that it was specifically crafted to. Where do you start when talking about failure? We’ve all felt failure in some way in our lives, it isn’t something we are unfamiliar with. Where does it start? Where does it end? Are we constantly feeling like we can’t measure up to our own standards or others? The list goes on, right? I’ve read books, you’ve read books or blogs or posts…etc.

If you came for details, I apologize now. This isn’t going to be full of details but I hope it conveys the intent. I went through some serious heartbreak. Lost a friend because of a relationship that should have never been what it became. Hurt more than just myself and hit one of the lowest points of my adult life thus far. It became one of those seasons of having no one else to look at but myself for where I had ended up.

Here’s some real shit to go along with the rest of it. I think a lot of us have opinions about how 2016 went and I tried to stay optimistic, as I generally do, but I think last year ultimately showed me how much I had failed myself. I failed to care for myself and in turn didn’t only hurt myself but others as well, for my lack of self care. Physically, no. Emotionally, yes. I’m not trying to tell something new, I just want to tell something real. Also, it’s an attempt to silence the voices in my head that tell me it’s stupid to even do this, to be open and raw. You know, the one’s that keep saying you are crazy and what’s the point? Yeah, those ones.

There is a difference between being selfish and caring for one’s self. It wasn’t just last year that I had failed, I’d definitely been failing for awhile, I just didn’t realize it until everything was a big mess. If you are continually ignoring the state of your own heart, you are setting yourself up for a rude awakening. It was pretty rude and no, I didn’t get there by myself alone, but when you are at the bottom you don’t get back up by pointing out the faults of whoever was with you. You get back up by owning what you did wrong. You get back up by embracing the weak places of your mind and heart and saying “This is me, this is where I’ve been, this is how I’ve mistreated the garden that is my heart and soul and I need change.” You acknowledge where you’ve been but do not settle for it being where it will always take you.

I decided I’d spent enough time ignoring myself. For whatever stupid reason, I’d made myself a low priority and made someone else a priority, which they never deserved nor asked for. I wanted their acceptance. Classic, right? It still feels really silly to be typing these things out. Failure shows up in variety of ways but it always ties back into how we feel about ourselves.

accept that you deserve more
than painful love
life is moving
the healthiest thing
for your heart is
to move with it -rupi kaur

I didn’t really see how much of myself I’d sacrificed for something that wasn’t worth it. I’ve started loving myself again, like I used to. Yes, I did fail myself in ways I didn’t see coming. If I’m letting myself down then I’ll always feel as if I’m letting others down too. I compromised my worth and it didn’t play out well. I failed to keep loving who I am and let someone else determine the love I was worth. Big mistake and where I have felt like such a fool. I didn’t think I’d ever let that be a thing and I let it be a thing. I can beat myself up over it as much as I want or I can look at myself and take the steps necessary to change whatever it is that needs changing.

if you were born with 
the weakness to fall
you were born with 
the strength to rise - rupi kaur

I haven’t arrived. I’ve woken up. I want to stay woke and I will stay truly loving toward myself. I have a lot of life left to fail and learn from but I won’t compromise my value again.