HELP! OCD! CBT ERP! I don’t know if I can do this.
I’m in the middle of group CBT ERP and for anyone who has already done this I am sure you know what is approaching. Hi, I’m scared. Well done you (complete stranger) for getting through it. As much as I whine and complain about compulsions I am now at the point where I don’t know if I *can be without them. Well, *can as in *want to be without compulsions. They’re awful and yet the only real solid protection, even if absurd, I have to rely on.
I’m confused by what it is I actually want and need. Had a panic in the last session where I had to leave to pray. We weren’t doing any exposure at the time. My brain, me, OCD or other less obvious options created a threat from simply discussing treatment. Possibly an excuse to avoid going through it and possibly a sign I am not ready to fully give up my condition. Oh and yes, we must give it up. That means no little dabs to ease the anxiety. No gradually coming down until at a point more comfortable to stop… 100 to zero. That is what they have told us we must prepare for or treatment is invalid.
I’m not entirely sure what I was expecting however I certainly underestimated how complex OCD is. I believe the staff have also as they have told me the conflict within it has made it harder to treat. They are uncertain of how best to complete CBT when it keeps finding paths to contradict and hold. Threats have developed to work in complete opposites which makes exposing me to them difficult when it can change rapidly. In other words the OCD works faster than I do.
I’m writing this to hopefully relieve my stress and with any luck give me the answer to what it is I want and need. It’s not working. Perhaps reading it back will work, perhaps posting will. I’m running out of ideas. Don’t want to give up and know logically it’s the wrong thing to do but without clear answers I’m unsure if I *can (as in *can) find a way through. Any tips or advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
