Over a Decade Together: an ISFJ & ENTJ Relationship

I thought it’d be interesting to look over my relationship a little in blog-form, without getting too personal, and pinpointing what may have kept us together for such a long time (it’ll be 13 years this year). I wanted to compare us a little as individuals too, for some theoretical and psychological insight, using the Myers-Briggs type test we took a while ago.

Upon taking the test, and many, many Buzzfeed-type quizzes, it became apparent that I am an ISFJ (introverted, sensing, feeling, judging), and my partner is an ENTJ (extraverted, intuitive, thinking, judging). Despite the last initial matches, a lot of corners of the internet claim that these two may not mesh well, as they have quite opposing ways of thinking and acting. There are others that claim these two can work in an ‘opposites attract’ sort of way. I think of it more as a yin-yang situation: the characteristics that may differ between us can help to create a sense of balance. Where I can soften his extroverted edges, he can pull me out of my introverted ways. This isn’t to say that our lives don’t lead us to cross into each others personalities a little too. I will delve into this further, but for a quick example, I feel that being with someone so driven, realistic and generally quite outspoken has given me more confidence, has helped me to harden myself to criticism and has increased my motivation, particularly during depressive stages of life.

This also is not to say that we don’t disagree on occasion or that we’ve never ever had a falling out over our conflicting mindsets- I would say we’re in the healthy range when it comes to conflict, possibly a little too healthy for others. We have had our problems, particularly during the early years, but over time we’ve really learned to communicate a problem and resolve it as soon as possible. I also feel like living together has minimised most issues. Our main clashes were down to the fact that I’d never felt so attached to someone on so many levels and I would often let my insecurities get in the way, so paranoia would eat away at me. I could make mountains out of any little situation and yet, for most part I wouldn’t even feel secure enough to express those feelings with him, I’d just bottle it and hope he could figure it out. For him, it seemed more like he was too new to the do’s and don’t’s of a long-term relationship, particularly with someone so sensitive and lacking in confidence. He would struggle to nurture my dependence and I would feel ashamed of being that way. We grew together over the years though and soon realised that just talking things out (no matter how big or small) makes an enormous difference!

A few thoughts based on experience

I also think that an important aspect for a relationship, especially between two quite different personalities is space. Despite the fact that we love our time together and feel a sadness every time one of us is away, we have both become very comfortable with our independence. We have interests together and interests apart, so a few hours in different rooms allows us to tap into those as well (though we do check in on each other now and then, and the walls in our house are thin enough to converse most of the time!). The going away part itself (such as when I leave town to see my family) probably makes us appreciate it more when we’re together as well, especially as we’ve developed a bit of a routine by living together.

Honestly, I think being with someone who has different interests can be eye-opening and educational, however, being with someone who has completely opposing life goals to you can still potentially become an issue. This isn’t always the case, but it’s something the two of you should establish at some point. For example, if they want to spend their life living in different areas of the world for years at a time, whereas you are far too close with your friends and family to ever be so far away from them, this could cause some issues.

We have had these concerns before due to career relocations and bucket list items, being that I have always been quite family-oriented; however we discuss our options at length, we compromise, and we find ways to ease into these situations, or decide where our true priorities lie. Eventually they may become a little easier to deal with. I wasn’t sure I could ever live more than a bus ride away from my family, and when we relocated for my boyfriend’s job to a city 3 hours away, I had a ton of uncertainty. There were some seriously gloomy days for me when we first moved, having nothing drawing me to this new place other than this one person I cared about, and all the while missing my family dearly, who would never let me forget that I’d pretty much ‘chosen him’.

Don’t get me wrong, there was a lot of support, and some admittance that the timing was right for me to flee the nest and start a life with him, but being so close and so used to each others company, we do lay on the guilt sometimes when someone leaves, if only as a way to remind each other how important we are to one another. It’s one of those bittersweet sentiments, and it grew to be a lot more serious when my Mum got sick… I won’t get into that now, but I have to say that without the support of my boyfriend and my own space to process, I don’t know if I could have made it through everything that happened — though it did make me feel all the more repentant for moving away.

In a weird way, when something terrible or trying happens in life, I think being in a serious relationship with someone or being around someone for such a long time cushions the blow a little, because your burdens become theirs. Of course, you don’t want them to suffer as you do, but they will, at least a little, because they’ve grown to know and care for the people you do, even when they don’t get along sometimes, and they want nothing but to see you happy, meaning your pain becomes their pain. To paint a metaphorical picture, its almost as if they are there, running around looking for whatever tools they can find in order to patch up your emotional wounds, or taping your heart back together while it continues to break, sealing the cracks as quickly as they form, struggling all the while because they too are feeling distressed by what’s happening. I could go on about the emotional ties to a having a long-term partner, but let’s get on to the more literal and psychological aspects of them as a person…

ENTJ vs ISFJ

ENTJ types (known as the “CEO/Commander” persona) are typically very direct, logical people with a sense of charisma and a general leadership quality. As most leaderships go, they are usually the people you want running the show, with their fast judgements, high intuition and ability to think things through; but this will also mean making tough and quick decisions that can lead them to be perceived as ‘cold’ or ‘unfeeling’ at times. This can sometimes mean that they don’t bond well with emotional types, but actually in many instances their natural rein-taking ways can be incredibly motivating and inspiring. They’re known for actually thriving on getting things done the best way possible, and encouraging others to do the same.

They are also typically very friendly, because they are great at steering a conversation and their enthusiasm can be infectious — it’s only when their outspokenness is mistaken for rudeness that some can feel deterred. They will usually hold their careers as their highest priority, which can make them very successful and committed, but may at times create a ‘workaholic’ attitude. Their career motivation will usually take them a long way, and it could be assumed that they’ll put their work before their social group, however with many people of this nature, they want just as much to nourish someone else’s work ethic and to support them in their endeavours, as a leader should.

ISFJ types (known as the “Nurturer/Defender”) however, are generally a lot more introverted and less likely to express themselves verbally. They keep their emotions below the surface and though they are also good at making judgements like ENTJs, they will still let their feelings play a large part at times. They are known as hard-working and humble types, adhering to routines and prone to perfectionism. This can make some of them a little self-critical and you’ll find they often need more time to come out of their shell, but when they do, they can excel. They are both quiet, yet comfortable in social situations, mainly with those they hold dear, and they are very perceptive, which can potentially cause them to become ‘over-thinkers’. They are also likely to put others ahead of themselves and to have empathy, which may hurt them in certain situations.

There is no perfect type, we all are prone to have our faults, or we might let our strengths become a weakness to some degree, but in some way or another, these characteristics make us the perfect person to befriend other personality types or to make a difference in the world. In this case, I feel like two slightly different types work well to create a better life together.

Compatibility

Let’s approach this initial by initial!
I’m sure there will have been/there are yet to be clashes between my introverted ways and his extroverted sensibility, but over the years it has felt like we’ve altered our ways slightly. For instance, I have achieved so many things, seen so many wonderful places and taken many leaps I never would have thought possible of myself, all with thanks to his encouraging words and literal support; whether for example it was practicing with me before a job interview, taking us on our dream vacation or giving me financial support when times were tough or I needed to invest in my future.

On the other hand, I feel like I have potentially aided in his ability to soften his speech in certain cases where needed, and (though I’m sure it also has a lot more to do with maturity and his drive to be successful), I think it’s possible that being around someone quite introverted has withdrawn him slightly from his youthful “laddish” and heavy-drinking ways. As a duo we’ve become more driven to work towards the life we really want, we’ve become more socially skilled and open, but we’re also entirely comfortable with a night in at our laptops or playing videogames.

As an ISFJ I am generally quite good at sensing, which means that we focus on facts and seeing things with our own eyes. This can be both good and bad, because we aren’t easily swayed or susceptible to the land of make-believe, but can also be bad because we think too sensibly sometimes and can be set in our ways. I also believe that this is why I am more comfortable doing fan art or life drawings when it comes to my sketching, and don’t really consider myself a super creative type, pulling ideas out of my head. This isn’t to say I can never have an original thought or anything, but it’s usually the norm for me to work from example and I can get frustrated when I draw without a reference or I get a mental block.

When it comes to other people, typically us types may not need a person to come out and tell us what’s bothering them, and we can sense the issue based on previous examples, even though we are unlikely to share our own emotional baggage. This can be problematic when you are in a relationship with someone less sensitive to these feelings. However, as an ENTJ I think my partner has clear enough intuition that he can tell when something is wrong, even if he might not be able to pinpoint and will more likely provide practical solutions than show emotional concern. The ability to perceive said upsets has improved immensely over the years just by getting to know me so well, and it takes very few signals for him to ask about what’s on my mind, but I do believe his intuition skills for everyday life have been there since before he met me. The way that we converse during a problem has likely changed over the years as I’ve learned to approach him with more logical solutions and direct answers and he has become more empathetic to my feelings or irrationalisations, but to be honest the main crutch for all the problems we face is honesty and being upfront.

Feelings will play a large part in the way an ISFJ will go through life, which is probably why it was so hard for me to move away from my family and why I sometimes react strongly if it seems as though my relationship is under threat, I am one of those people who will cry out of anger, who trembles during conflict, or who goes ice cold then boiling hot at the thought of losing someone’s loyalty even for a second; and none of that is out of fear or a lack or uncertainty but just because the emotions are overwhelming and my body doesn’t seem to know how to cope – I can only assume that kind of trait is due to an over abundance of feelings. ENTPs are more about thinking than feeling, not entirely, but in a nutshell. They will follow their mind instead of their heart when there are things to worry about or aspirations to reach, and more often than not, it won’t be their own potential sadness and regret that holds them back from making a huge life decision, it’ll be the objective thought behind how this change might affect the ones they care about. This proves that they aren’t “unfeeling” but more that they choose to think practically and let logic guide the way, confident that things will work out.

As judging personalities, we are likely to be quite organised in terms of our mind and our lifestyle. We usually know what our goals are, at least for the foreseeable future, and we establish the best way of reaching said goals. The difference in the judging trait as opposed to thinking logically and being intuitive is that everything is more sequential. Judgements are made quickly, efficiently and in a controlled, structured manner.

We personally tend to make a lot of lists and shared calendars, which can keep us both on track, especially when one of us is out of town, and we will attempt to foresee any conflicting issues that could stifle plans – in short, we like to plan things out! I personally am a very indecisive person because I always feel anxious when decision-making due to the “what if” scenarios. I appreciate structured thinking because it allows me to think about the what-ifs, and having his quick judgement calls will help to actually get the ball rolling, because I trust him, and I don’t enjoy being the decider. It’s things like this that make me think we’re a good team, even if I do sometimes worry he’s being too impulsive or overconfident in my abilities – and he may find my lack of decision-making and confidence a bit frustrating sometimes… you can’t have a perfect, flawless relationship, but so far we’ve made it work and the hinderances have been small.

Though our types aren’t in the highest compatibility range, I think that based on this little overlook, it still makes sense why we generally function pretty well. I do find the personality type quizzes fascinating and enjoy comparing with other people, but I hope the differences in personalities don’t concern anybody in an “irregular matchup” because sometimes, opposites do indeed attract, and sometimes having some things in common, and other things for yourself can be an ideal situation.

I don’t know for sure that I am in the most perfect relationship possible for my personality or whether I’ll take any of this back a few years from now, we can never know, but after almost 13 years together, no obligation to be together and many plans for the future I think it’s fair to assume that we are happy with our relationship. This little exploration was just for fun and a bit of self-insight!

(This is also not a blog to compare or compete with other relationships, or as a brag of some kind, I just wrote it for me and for anyone intrigued about personality types and how we get on. Timing and duration isn’t everything, there are no rules when it comes to love and friendship and even if you’re a single ISFJ or ENTJ reading this, I hope you still found it interesting as an individual or as someone who may have platonic relationships or future romances with similar personality types).