Why Your Team Sucks: Chicago Blackhawks
2021 SEASON:
The Blackhawks were all but left for dead by hockey pundits last year because they didn’t have an NHL goalie on their roster. It turned out that Kevin Lankinen was actually pretty good and managed to get them all the way to…well, still missing a playoff spot by nine points. That, by the way, was exceeding expectations for the Blackhawks. Exceeding expectations when you’re expected to suck is the worst thing you can do. It just means your prize for sucking is drafting a worse player than you otherwise would’ve drafted.
Oh, and aside from that, it turns out that the 2010 Cup-winning team- perhaps one of the most revered teams in Chicago sports history- covered up one of their coaches sexually assaulting two players. The entire team apparently knew and several players in fact mocked the victim with homophobic slurs. Imagine being the most morally bankrupt championship team in Chicago sports history when Aroldis Chapman and Mike Ditka have rings.
HEAD COACH:
Jeremy Colliton, who came out of central casting as the hip new high school English teacher that really just prefers that everyone call him “Mr. C.” He’ll even let you drink coffee in class! Colliton’s greatest asset is being one of the few members of the Blackhawks brass who is not complete scum. His greatest weaknesses are everything else.
Colliton flies under the radar to everyone but Blackhawks fans as one of the worst coaches in the league. He’s close to the same age as some of the players on this team, which makes it especially hilarious that no one respects him. There is a non-zero chance that Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews give him swirlies in the locker room toilet after losses. I feel like we’re a five-game losing streak away from the infamous “we know how much you hate Gatorade” tweet becoming a reality.
Of course, the Blackhawks gave Colliton their seal of approval in the form of an extension. It makes sense when your goal is to suck, but in terms of rebuilding, it isn’t ideal. Having your young kids learn the game from someone who probably draws up breakouts like Kirk Van Houten draws dignity seems sub-optimal, to say the least. I am assuming the Blackhawks are rebuilding here; they’re rebuilding, right?
NEW THINGS THAT SUCK:
They’re not rebuilding!
The Blackhawks pushed what few chips they had in the middle, trading for Seth Jones and signing him to a 8-year, $9.5 million AAV megadeal. Jones is now under contract with the Blackhawks until 2030, when he will be 35 years old. Thankfully for Chicago, he will probably contract some kind of weird medical condition that makes you allergic to ice by about 2026 or so. This is easily Stan Bowman’s second-worst move of the offseason, next to “not resigning in disgrace for being a criminal.”
Joining Seth is his brother Caleb, who was acquired from the Oilers for Duncan Keith. I don’t even care that they offloaded Keith, because ripping off the Edmonton Oilers isn’t impressive. It’s like taking candy from a baby, or in this case, more like giving a baby candy that expired in 2016.
Marc-Andre Fleury is the Blackhawks new goalie! Of course, he needed almost a week to decide whether or not he was just going to flat out retire. It generally does not bode well when “quit your job and forfeit millions” is as popular an option as playing for your team.
The Blackhawks also added Tyler Johnson from Tampa’s Cap Compliance Clearance Sale and Jake McCabe from Buffalo’s Tanking Liquidation. Jonathan Toews has returned from a year-long sabbatical. It turns out he had a disease that literally does not exist but is probably just a long-winded way of saying “long-term COVID side effects.”
THINGS THAT STILL SUCK:
A good reason that a team like the Blackhawks wouldn’t rebuild is because they have nothing to rebuild with. These offseason moves seem consistent with the actions of a GM who knows that his team is absolutely going to lose some draft picks and is not concerned about the long-term ramifications of his decisions because he’ll rightfully get Cuomo’d in two months or so.
You can’t say it isn’t earned. Most of the other team previews are about the team being laughably incompetent. The Blackhawks, on the other hand, are just downright evil. Even six years ago- before this current issue came to light- the front office was working its hardest to sweep Patrick Kane’s sexual assault allegations under the rug, because that’s just what they do best. Covering up misdeeds to save their own reputation is the Blackhawks’ default setting. Preserving the institution matters more than doing the right thing. The Blackhawks are a Penn State that’s won championships. They’re the Catholic Church on skates.
It was timely of ESPN to release The Last Dance during the slow decline of the Blackhawks. The difference between the two dynasties is that the late 90s Bulls just ripped the band-aid off. They got rid of everyone and went headlong into sucking as much as possible, as quickly as possible. The Blackhawks demise has been a slow burn. Rather than detonate the core, Bowman decided it would be better to trade everyone else for pennies on the dollar and completely alienate their star players. This was what the Blackhawks passed off as still trying to win. None of this is surprising, considering the only time you’ll see “Blackhawks front office” and “good judgment” in the same sentence will be if the Court hammers them with sky-high damages in the lawsuits against them.
Nobody deserves this incompetence more than Blackhawks fans. This team was about as popular as the MLS team when it sucked. They wouldn’t know who Eric Daze was if they tripped over him. You’ll never fail to convince me that the Blackhawks implosion beginning wasn’t karmic retribution for the Kane allegations, when some fans fancied themselves to be Johnny Cochrane because they watched a few episodes of People’s Court on WGN.
It’s all over now. The Blackhawks can finally follow the Bulls into the dustbin of complete obscurity in which they’ve resided for the past 23 years. The White Sox are going to be good for a long time. The Cubs suck again, but that’s never stopped them from being popular. People worship the Bears for a Super Bowl title that happened eleven championships ago in this city, which is to say they’re always relevant. Blackhawks games will become nothing more than background noise for Northwestern frat boys to get hammered on a Thursday night while they lose 5–3 to the Dallas Stars. I mean, even more so than it is already.
Stan Bowman is the most corrupt person in Chicago, which is saying a lot for a city where every second mayor and governor end up in prison.
REASONS FOR OPTIMISM:
The NHL may just make the team fold for a few years. They’d still be on the hook for the Seth Jones contract, but you can’t say it isn’t deserved.
