Why Your Team Sucks: Minnesota Wild
2021 SEASON:
The Wild finished a surprising third in the West Division. It’s worth noting that due to a sheer numbers game, they lucked into playing with a group of teams that are two time zones away, most of which are terrible. If we’re being honest, they would’ve been eaten alive if they had to play in the more geographically-appropriate division against the likes of Tampa Bay, Florida, and Carolina. Hell, Dallas or Nashville could’ve given them a run for their money. The Wild played in a division with two good teams, watched St. Louis implode, and reaped the benefits.
What did that get them? A first round loss to the Vegas Golden Knights, that’s what. Yes, that series did go seven games, but that’s because Vegas is a team of choke artists that win a series mostly by the other team saving them from themselves. Even when the Wild stormed back from a 3–1 series deficit, there really wasn’t much a doubt Vegas would win. All you can really say about them is that they lost in a slightly more interesting way than usual.
HEAD COACH:
It’s Creed Bratton from The Office, although I’m told he goes by the name Dean Evason now. It’s hard to say much about a guy who hasn’t even coached 82 career games. Once again, the Wild brass looked at this guy and thought that this would be an upgrade on Bruce Boudreau.
Evason’s coaching systems included patented plays like “have a star player for once in franchise history,” “give the puck to said star player,” and “let that star player dangle the puck between his legs and make opposing defensemen pee themselves while his four teammates just kinda stand around and vibe.” Evason really lucked into having a guy like Kirill Kaprizov around, and I’m sure the Wild will ensure it stays that way for a long time.
NEW THINGS THAT SUCK:
I’d like to retract a point on a previous post of mine regarding Kirill Kaprizov; the Wild will not, in fact, “ensure it stays that way for a long time.”
After one Calder-worthy season in which Kaprizov scored at a 40-goal, 76-point pace, the Wild decided the best thing to do to the only elite scorer they’ve had in their franchise history is play a little bit of hardball. This led to the credible threat of Kaprizov leaving the NHL altogether to take a very lucrative deal in Russia. Sure, Kaprizov ultimately didn’t go to the KHL and he did sign a five-year extension, but the damage is done. I’m not a dating advice columnist, but even I’m pretty sure that threatening to leave the country early in a relationship never ends well. Could also mean that you’re dating a member of a global crime syndicate and life is just one big Harrison Ford movie, but I digress.
The Wild bought out Zach Parise and Ryan Suter with five years left on their respective deals. Despite getting those contracts off the books, they’re now on the hook for $12M in dead money in 2022–23 and a whopping $14M from 2023 to 2025. That’s over $40M over three years to pay two players not to play for them. All the Wild got for their troubles was two second-round appearances and a lockout where their owner cried poor about paying for these contracts literally months after signing them. Imagine buying out two aging players and making your cap situation worse. The Wild effectively failed at failing.
Unsurprisingly, committing one-fifth of your cap space to dead money while giving a pay raise to your only good player means you can’t really do much else. Their offseason mostly consisted of signing Some Guys: Frederick Gaudreau, Alex Goligoski, Dmitry Kulikov, Jordie Benn, and Jon Merrill. Those were their big swings.
The Wild have essentially screwed themselves cap-wise for most of Kaprizov’s window, assuming he stays for all of it. They should be on one of those Slice shows about debt. I’ve seen meth addicts budget their finances better. They’re the Dril “Candles” tweet come to life.
THINGS THAT STILL SUCK:
It has now been 21 years since the Minnesota Wild came into fruition, which makes it 21 years of me lacking the energy to honestly pretend that I care about the Minnesota Wild. You know those movies where aliens assume an impostor human form that looks like that person but acts strangely and almost robotic? That’s basically been the Wild’s entire franchise history. They lost a classic team with classic uniforms in the North Stars. The result was getting a generic team that nobody outside of Minnesota even thinks about it. They’re the store-brand mayonnaise of NHL teams.
In terms of on-ice results, the Wild are….well, about the same. They’re never really good or really bad. They’ve staked a permanent home in the NHL’s middle class as a team that will occasionally make the playoffs and sometimes even win a round. Since trapping their way to a conference final in their third year of existence, they have made the playoffs 9 out of 17 seasons (not including the 2020 faux playoff round). They have only won two playoff series in that time, and ended up being cannon fodder for the Blackhawks on both of those occasions. I cannot recall them ever finishing fourth or higher in the West over that span. I’m too lazy to look it up, but I’m just going to argue that it hasn’t happened and any information to the contrary is fake.
What else can you expect from this team? They can’t have more than one good player because they’ve bought out two contracts that ran long enough that Drake wants to text them. They play an unbelievably boring style because, how else do you succeed without star players? Don’t let one year of bucking that trend fool you. The Wild have had a long list of great offensive players on their team throughout history: Eric Staal; Dany Heatley; Martin Havlat. All of these guys basically disappeared off the map the second they joined the Wild. They traded Brent Burns and he became an all-star defenseman almost instantaneously. The Wild are where offense goes to die. Playing in Minnesota is like playing in the Bermuda Triangle.
Wild fans think they deserve more respect. Every time you make fun of the Wild, someone from Minnesota with a very couply-looking profile picture with their sibling gets mad at you. But we’re the State of Hockey! The State of Hockey does not lose its 26-year old franchise because of poor attendance. The State of Hockey does not go eight years without a team in the NHL. Just because you watch high school hockey doesn’t make you special. No one cares that Erikssen High beat Ericsson High in U/16 Division III or whatever.
REASONS FOR OPTIMISM:
If Kaprizov avoids a sophomore slump and if Cam Talbot can play at the same level he did last season (maybe ask the 2017–18 Oilers about that last one), then they’re probably a top three team in the Central.
