Thanks for starting this work, Avrum. One of the common themes around the world is fear of women’s sexuality. The attempts to suppress women’s sexual desire include shaming, punishment, covering up, and even cutting off parts of the genitals.
I think that the childbearing and child raising role brings with it a concern about stability and safety, and avoidance of novelty and risk. I have seen house husbands who assume this position, as well as women. This is the “parent-child dynamic” which is mutually exclusive of authentic communication. This was the point of Fritz Perls article, “Chicken Soup Is Poison.” Nurturing and criticizing are obviously parental behaviors, and compliance and rebellion are child like behaviors. In each role we justify our position as being caused by the other being in their position.
A third theme is the use of “emotional force” by one partner which evokes in their partner a defensive response of compliance, escape, or attack. Men use use “emotional force” as a signal that physical force is a possibility. This use of “emotional force” is toxic to trust and security, thus activating our attachment system to seek safety in our learned attachment style.
I have been working on my protection of my social image and self image and how fragile it makes me. If my wife is unhappy with something I’ve done, my old instinct was to prove to her that it was the correct thing to do and she should not be unhappy with it. I find myself much less often in that indefensible position of making her wrong, but I still occasionally go there reflexively. I realize that I am not in control of here happiness, which frees me to be myself and be empathetic about how that impacts her. As a team, the welfare of each of us is bound together. “Winning” means the team loses.
Those are a few immediate responses to your invitation.