for fear of denial

i think about death a lot. i have for years. it was usually just my dad’s death. it’s expanded. i think about different people in my family. different people close to me. how i would deal with it. who i would turn to. what i would do.

when i think of yours i go blank. you’re the one person in the world i can’t bear imagining dying. i don’t know who i would turn to or how i would handle it or what i would do because none of it would make sense. the mere idea makes me feel cold and empty inside.

there’s one thing that feels worse though: letting you go. living my life without you even if i don’t have to. never seeing you again even though you’re alive. knowing you’re alone.

we mentioned before that i wouldn’t have you forever. and we’ve had some discussions about why. you like your independence. so do i. it makes sense for each of our goals. etc. reasons.

and i’ve also expressed my fear before. not taking you as seriously as i should. having regrets. not being able to go back and fix it. and i don’t know whether this is something new or not.

i just feel so compelled. it needs to be said. it needs to be acknowledged. i might make decisions i regret later — i’m sure i will. but i refuse to let it be a result of denial. so i’m denying nothing. even the things i don’t understand.

there is something very deep and real and important in you. something i can’t let go of and i can’t be argued out of and can’t be shifted by any opinion i have of anything you do. like it or not, you won my heart. and i don’t foresee anything changing that.

i’m not taking back anything i’ve said before. i’m not sexually into you. i’m not romantically into you either. but i love you. in a special, deeper, unavoidable way that i’ve ever felt before. and i have no intention of letting you go. i will always respect your goals, your boundaries, your needs, your desires. and my own. i will also always find a way to belong with you. maybe not day in and day out. but somehow. on some level i am tied to you and don’t see that ever changing.

so for fear of denial and dishonesty, for desperation of clarity, and for attempting to satisfy the compulsive pull i’ve been feeling forever — there you have it.