Ten Step Plan for Dominating the Grapevine Tree Market

Step 1. Remind people just what grapevine trees are. Not everyone is from Redstatesylvania. Show them this picture:

Step 2. Make at least one more grapevine tree. (Unfortunately, there is no getting past it.)

Step 3. Experiment with decoration. For instance, you could paint the rings of the tree in streaks of various colors so it looks like different flavors of Twizzlers laid end to end, or else like a bunch of glow sticks melted together. Either way, the longhairs might like it.

Step 4. Get a booth at the local farmer’s market. A spot next to the retired philosophy professor who specializes in beets would guarantee people stop and see you if only so they could avoid talking to him.

Step 5. Ask permission before entering onto private property in order to harvest grapevine. It only leads to bad word of mouth to accidentally step on someone’s marijuana seedling.

Step 6. Increase your social media presence. Maybe a novelty Instagram account where your most charismatic tree takes selfies in Cracker Barrel bathrooms. Be sure to crop out the old white buttocks propped up against the walker at the urinal.

Step 7. Stir up anti-grapevine wreath sentiment. The centers of doors are meant for coats of arms and no-knock warrants.

Step 8. Stress how truly secular the grapevine tree is. Just because it vaguely resembles a needleless Christmas tree doesn’t mean that it is inherently Christian. In fact, it’s more pagan in origin. Especially the way your grandfather taught you to make them — with the blood of the badger and all.

Step 9. Corporate sabotage. Sure, grapevine trees are not worth committing a felony for yet but we’ll see how you feel once your unemployment benefits run out.

Step 10. Prizes. You can stuff lots of things in the top cavity. Like Gideon Bibles or fidget spinners or bite-sized Percocet. That’ll drive up demand. You’ll have to adopt a second grandmother just to pilfer through her medicine cabinet.