Walking with Dinosaurs Really Turns My Girlfriend On

The best gift I ever gave my girlfriend has got to be the iconic BBC nature documentary series Walking with Dinosaurs. It really gets her going — the mix of CGI, practical effects, and sultry Kenneth Branagh voiceover.

This is my episode by episode recap. Warning: This gets as dirty as the ground that once covered the fossils of these magnificent aphrodisiacs:

Episode 1: “New Blood”

I knew I chose my gift well when the proto-dog defended his burrow from the proto-raptor and my girlfriend started to jack me off.

Episode 2: “Time of the Titans”

The title was apt since I felt like Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill, except the boulder was my girlfriend’s butt, and I had to keep pushing it away from the hill, which was my crotch.

Episode 3: “Cruel Sea”

“This is so fucking thoughtful,” she said, shortly before she took me in her mouth. On the screen, behind her, a gigantic sea monster swallowed a T. Rex antecedent. The juxtaposition made me uncomfortable.

Episode 4: “Giant of the Skies”

“It’s such an epic journey,” she said, referring to the flight of a pterosaur across the sea to his ancestral breeding grounds, as she tweaked her nipples with one hand and researched ocean currents on her smartphone with the other.

Episode 5: “Spirits of the Ice Forest”

We shared coffee, and mutual masturbation, as a clan of Leaellynasaura attempted to survive in a forest near the South Pole, which back then was much warmer. Unfortunately, by the time I went down on my girlfriend, got tired, retrieved her vibrator, and gave up, my coffee was not.

Episode 6: “Death of a Dynasty”

In which we had our own extinction-level event. She sank flushed onto the couch cushions as asteroid shockwaves spread across the screen. “You tried,” she said, but she was talking to a mortally wounded dinosaur and not me.