Well, That Escalated Quickly…

I took an unexpected hiatus from my new writing project for the past two months. For my next article, I had planned to continue to talk about what I had learned during the time I spent focusing on myself, my self-care, and my mental wellness. I planned to delve deeper into the stages that I went through: Recognizing. Reflecting. Releasing. Restoring. I planned to share with you what I learned along the way toward self-discovery.

You know what they say about the best laid-plans…. Yes, well, things definitely went awry. I will get back to chronicling my journey toward awareness and wellness. Eventually. But for now? Now, I need us to talk about being “in the moment.” Lately, that’s a pretty popular catch-all for “See? I’m doing fine. I have done yoga twice this week, carry a water bottle with me at all times, and have an ‘om’ sticker on the back of my car. I am one with the freaking universe. I am so in the moment.” However, it is one thing to be aware that depression and anxiety decrease and mental wellness increases when living in the present and another thing to employ and practice what that actually means.

I recently had a cough that wouldn’t go away. I went to the doctor. I was told to drink tea with honey. I went to the emergency department three days later because I was feeling worse. I was sent home with antibiotics. Just over a day after that visit, I returned again to the emergency department to ask for help.

I questioned myself quite a bit that night. “I was *just* in the emergency room for this same thing about 30 hours earlier. When did I become a paranoid hypochondriac? A cough is a cough. You don’t go to the hospital twice in one week for a cough. No one dies from a cough, do they? The answer to that is, “Yes. Yes, they do.” Most likely the people who have that same thought process that I had and do not want to seem like a nuisance in the emergency room. I gave in and went anyway.

Later that day, I was placed into a medically-induced coma for a week, intubated, and was hospitalized in the Intensive Care Unit, then the Critical Care Unit, for another week. I was diagnosed with Bilateral Pneumonia, Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome (ARDS) and sepsis.

I was told that if I had waited another hour to go to the emergency department, I likely would not have survived. One hour. 60 minutes. 3,600 seconds. Holy shit. That’s a pretty surreal statement to hear. I’m a therapist. Not a doctor. I have no business making these sort of decisions for myself. I am just thankful that I had finally had enough of “feeling terrible” to return to the hospital.

I stopped caring about what others may think. I didn’t care that I could be looked at like a whiny child who could not withstand being uncomfortable. I quit worrying that I was being a drain on resources or that I was being pushy or that I was…. the list could go on and on. You get the idea. I needed help.

And that is what made all of the difference. I had had enough of “feeling terrible.” Recognizing that things were outside of my normal and asking for help literally saved my life. As I continue to process that entire experience, I cannot help but relate it to those seeking mental health treatment. People can doubt themselves. They think that it is “only them” and perhaps they are not following orders as directed and that is why something is not working or their mood isn’t changing. They think they are doomed to have these issues forever because the people who are supposed to have the solutions to fix them, didn’t. Or couldn’t. They are left feeling helpless. Hopeless.

I have many thoughts about this and will write more in the future about being in the present and showing yourself self-compassion. I will leave it at this for today:

Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Again. And again. And again.

Keep on asking until you are satisfied with the answer. Bring yourself back into the present. Ask yourself what you feel you need. Yes, you need to do your part but keep on asking until you find a therapist/doctor/mode of treatment that you connect with. Be a fierce advocate for yourself. If you feel that something is off with your body or mind, you are likely correct. You know yourself best. And you deserve to be happy and well. Be present. Be well.