Anxiety, paranoia, and attempts to deal.

Leena Jain
Sep 9, 2018 · 6 min read
Photo by Steinar Engeland

So what? Did someone break your heart? Or you held some secrets because the time wasn’t right? Did you lose perspective of a situation so bad that you can’t get back from there? What is it that makes us paranoid? Well, anything can. Simply, anything. A graphic that you saw, which was too startling for you — and it keeps flashing in front of your eyes? Or an experience that scarred you for life that keeps playing in your head again? Or even, worse, a consensual moment that is now no more consensual in the voices of your head?

Well, breathe. Paranoia can start with any trigger. It’s a sign of other psychological issues that are looking for an outlet, whether it is a certain possessiveness, a fear or someone you deeply care about. But it can take your head for a spin, and make you live a far less quality of life. For me speaking about paranoia in the first place, is a very sensitive theme. I’ve faced it as a child, driving me to a stage of clinical depression — then as an adolescent, which I faced headstrong, and now as an adult, where I’m trying to relearn how I faced it in the past! It’s not great. Every single day, every moment of my day I am thinking something at the back of my head, which is a fear, a memory and a thought that doesn’t seem to leave — something constantly ruminating, no matter how busy I look with other productive things of daily life. I struggle with it constantly, and even though at the moment it’s about a certain issue in my life, that I don’t want to think about, it never left me ever since the first time, it just got re-organized to other parts of life — whether it was studying for tests and ruminating over and over about writing something incorrect or correct — living in ambiguity or constantly thinking about an interview where I might have said something I shouldn’t have, or have I? Well, these issues never felt a big deal when they were about what you can consider, more important, productive parts of life — right now when they’re impacting my personal life, I know the level of irrationality that we can possibly function at. Or I have been functioning at for the past decade of my life.

Well, it’s constant fear and doubt, if a friend and I had a fallout, I’ve gone through every small conversation we’ve had over the years, finding out flaws and reasons to why they’d want to kill me now. Or as a young person when I saw a certain graphic, it kept running in my head, with me imagining everyone doing the same activity, day in and day out. It wasn’t a great phase. And it isn’t a great one. Controlling your mind is not possible. It’s a constant reality we have to live in. Now with whatever support I could realize from those times, and the time I dealt with this myself were a few things I’d like to share, I’m trying to implement these even today, but with maturity also comes looking through these ideas, so I’m also hoping to figure out new ways.

  1. Analyse where is your paranoia stemming from? : Is it from a position of shame, guilt, and remorse or is it stemming from trauma and disturbance? Find what is triggering your thought. Both ways, understand that you are human and it is natural to grieve or have a downtime. At the same time, try to understand whether your actions were really a mistake — in what sense, in the morality of someone else or your own? So when the morality is shifted — are you able to find objectivity and logic or noble emotion behind your motive? If yes, then in your head turn the dialogue to saying what you did was right for the moment. And if it was wrong, analyze what you can learn for later. But both ways surrender yourself from the guilt. It’s easy said than done. But just keep following.
  2. Find trust in yourself again: Often, we find ourselves in codependent bonds and we trust other people for validation! This could even be your therapist, best friend, mom, a venting out buddy — anyone. Try to seek validation within yourself, try to understand what your sense of morality is, does it hurt anyone else? Did anything that you did hurt anyone else, if it didn’t at the time, and doesn’t right now apart from their sense of morality, then quit thinking that you’re at fault, stop overcompensating for your perceived faults, and live your present truth, without any guilt. And trust yourself of whatever you’ve learned out of the experience — whether it is to avoid a certain type of graphic for a while to avoid flashbacks or to distance yourself from talks of the kind that can disturb you.
  3. Ups and downs: There will be moments of ecstatic joy when you’ll laugh and heartwrenching pain with raising heart palpitations. Well, that will happen, it will be quite on the extreme at both ends. On your low moments, it would be good to write down a justifying answer to what has been bothering you. Just keep writing and calm yourself down. This low phase will continue but be in peace. Probably you’ll want to speak with a friend or a confidante. The next time you hit low, write, but you can also re-read this and bring yourself at peace. The highs will only give you the ecstasy you need. Well, the key is to be able to not get too excited by something good and not get too sad when it hits low — a way to manage mental equilibrium. This takes time, and frankly, I haven’t been able to even attempt it as of now. But it’s been said practicing mindfulness helps.
  4. Confiding and confidante: Often, we vent out things at the moment, to our close friends. But that might start another string of paranoia. It isn’t unsafe to vent out and talk your feelings out, in fact, it can be a great deal of support, but your paranoia kicking into action over this person might backfire, so ensure that you are able to think well of them and try reassuring it with them. Yes, you can discuss your issues with them, however, it is very important for you to be able to speak about other things in life to keep yourself sane. Your trust issues are going to be at high, however, there are some things you might have in common, don’t force out your vents, but if it comes out organically — there is no better way. Your paranoia needs to be controlled after this, which is another spiral, but you’ll learn to deal with it.
  5. Form new routines and new habits: Old routines or miserable lifestyles only lead to miserable days. To change, break out of a pattern, you need a new style, a new place or just a makeover. I would suggest start with one thing that you’d like to change in your life — your water intake? Physical activity? A new job? A new social circle? A new city? Something, that breaks the pattern — and you welcome distractions that will probably help you keep your mind off rumination for a while.

Professional help is one way to deal with this, however, sometimes we find ourselves on the verge of helplessness and finding a trustworthy, understanding shrink can be difficult. And with the kind of paranoia you’re likely to face about sharing something as intimate as your thoughts and actions with a stranger is going to make it more difficult. So, have a clear head before you decide, and till then you can try these, and probably suggest more techniques that you have since it is all about collective learning!

If you have any suggestions, comments or if you enjoyed the read, do applaud or comment below! Thank you for reading!

Leena Jain

Written by

Culture. Mental Wellness. Design Research.

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