ATTACHMENT THEORY: Two simple guidelines for parents and caregivers
“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men”
Frederick Douglas
It may be said that a child is like a canvas that is waiting to be painted. The parents/ caregivers and the environment are greatly responsible for the final painted picture. But how does one deal with such responsibility, how does one aim for that painting which is balanced, happy and reaches out to others.
This article aims to provide some guidelines based on the Attachment Theory developed by John Bolbwy.
“Attachment is a deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another across time and space” (Ainsworth, 1973; Bowlby, 1969)
Looking at the theory of attachment, two names are synonymous: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, both of whom paid great attention to the development of children based on the care and attachment of children with their caregivers and parents.
John Bowlby believed that children are born with an inherent need to develop attachment. He proposed that the type of attachment formed, lays the foundation of how the child learns to get their basic needs met , which eventually impacts their growth and survival in the world as an adult.
Therefore, he held the view that the initial relationship with the caregiver (parents) not only impacts or influences the child’s developments but also continues to impact their relationships as adults.
Therefore going by this theory, it would be important to ask our adult selves: How much of the way we relate to others, behave or communicate is deeply rooted in our relationships to our mothers; fathers or other primary care givers? Do I crave physical proximity because my mother never hugged me? Am I emotionally unavailable to men because of my emotionally unavailable father? Do I fear rejection because of the extreme separation anxiety I faced as a child?
However these questions are too deep, unraveling these questions can sometimes take years, for some it takes therapy to find the answers and change patterns, for others it takes life experiences to trigger the change. But the point of this article is not to ask you to go on a journey of self-discovery but simply to acknowledge:
Guideline No 1.
Acknowledge our power as primary caregivers: A child’s initial interaction and quality of love, care received and attachment formed will greatly impact their tomorrow: Therefore lets acknowledge the importance of our behaviours, words and actions as mothers, fathers, grandparents and caregivers in carving the relationship patterns of our little ones. Let us also acknowledge the power we have in developing the worldview our children will form, remember this will be largely based on our interaction with them.
A very simplistic way of looking at this would be:
A happy caregiver (Parent) = a happy child
An anxious caregiver (Parent) = an anxious child
An absent caregiver (Parent) = an absence in the child
In support of John Bolwby, Mary Ainsworth in her work greatly emphasised on the importance of parenting styles and how they can affect the child’s personality and development. In her theory she talks about 4 types of attachment styles based on different types of parenting. They are as follows:
- Secure Attachment: A child with this type of attachment will:
· Prefer their primary caregivers (parent) instead of others or strangers
· Will not be overwhelmingly upset when caregiver (parent) leaves
· Is very happy to reunite with primary caregiver (parent)
· Looks to their primary caregiver (parent) for comfort when hurt, upset or afraid
These children grow up to be balanced, healthy and happy adults. These individuals feel protected, safe and understood. They grow up to hold a positive view of self, others and relationships.
A child, whose physical, emotional and mental needs are met consistently, develops a secure attachment. He or she develops a view that the world is a safe place, where I can get my needs met because I am consistently loved, cared for and understood.
2. Anxious-ambivalent attachment: A child with this type of attachment:
· Will prefer primary caregiver (parent) but not be able to securely attach themselves
· Will experience separation anxiety but not be comforted by the caregiver’s (parents) presence and return.
These children grow up to be adults with anxious and ambivalent feeling towards self as well as others. While they have some elements of security, however they don’t fully feel secure and hence don’t develop a sense of self worth. They rely on others to regulate their emotions. They may appear to be functional and happy with their lives but would struggle with feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and clinginess, thus affecting their relationships.
A child, whose physical, emotional and mental needs are met inconsistently, develops an anxious ambivalent attachment. They are children who experience separation anxiety but their anxiety is not addressed. They would be children whose parents provide all the basic needs but some key emotional needs may not be addressed sensitively. Using “fear”, “anger” and “shame” to discipline would also contribute to this type of attachment.
3. Anxious- avoidant attachment: A child with this type of attachment:
· Will experience abandonment and emptiness
· Will be indifferent to caregiver (parent)
A child, whose physical, emotional and mental needs are not met consistently, develops an anxious avoidant attachment. They are children who grow up to ignore their emotional needs because parents are either unable or unwilling to address them. These children grow up to be uncomfortable with intimate conversations and relationships. They struggle to talk about feelings, fear commitment even though they may experience a desire to form deep and meaningful bonds. These adults struggle to form and maintain healthy relationships. They often will mask self-sufficiency as a defence to avoid attachments
4. Disorganised attachment: A child with this type of attachment:
· Will experience confusion and hesitation when caregiver (parent) is around
· It seems as though their behaviour towards the caregiver is unpredictable. Sometimes they seek affection, other times they lash out
A child who has experienced trauma or neglect often develops this type of attachment. They are children who never had their basic needs met , especially their emotional needs. These are children who grow up to be adults who have not learnt ways to regulate their emotions and to self soothe.
Based on understanding the the 4 types of attachment, I move on to:
Guideline No 2:
Work towards developing secure attachments with your children: Consistently acknowledging and meeting their physical, emotional and mental needs:
Many researches have stated that secure attachments are correlated with higher self-esteem and independence. Some ways of developing a secure base are:
- Providing a structured, predictable routine and environment for your little ones: in the formative years predictability provides great comfort for your little ones, familiarity builds a sense of security as well as confidence.
- Remember behaviour is a cue for understanding underlying emotion: if you child is misbehaving (Eg, your child hits another child), notice this behaviour, respond to this behaviour, but respond by trying to understand.
“That wasn't nice. Can you please tell me why you hit him? I know you angry and upset with your friend ” (Through these statements our aim is to understand our child’s behaviour, helping them develop awareness about their feelings while also acknowledging and reinforcing gently that his/ her behaviour was not acceptable)
3. Address emotions first, not behaviour: If misbehaviour is due to anger, talk about the anger, its causes and provide healthy ways of expressing it.(Understand why he felt the need to hit the other child, there will always be a reason, eg not sharing a toy), acknowledge the anger and provide an alternative healthy way of expressing oneself. You could state:
“ I understand you are upset because your friend isn’t sharing, but when you feel upset I would like you to come speak to an adult and they will help.” (Through these statements our goal is to acknowledge our child’s emotions; letting them know that anger is a normal emotion, however our key goal is to provide them with a healthy way of containing or expressing these difficult emotions. We are also reinforcing them to ask for help, from a world that can be trusted)
4. Provide an emotional vocabulary for expression and build empathy: Giving our children an emotional vocabulary to express oneself is the greatest gift to helping them develop a balanced mental health. Self awareness, emotional expression and empathy are some key ingredients in building a healthy and happy child.
“If someone hits you, how would you feel? You would feel pain and you would cry and feel upset. That is how your friend is feeling. I know your upset and angry but we cannot hit someone to express ourselves. Come lets’ try and talk to your friend”
5. Never use “fear” and “ shame” to correct behaviour: when you use fear to change behaviour; you are telling your child that the world is not safe and people cant be trusted. You are asking them to be afraid and this impacts their sense of self. Shame has the same impact.
6. Listen to what they have to say: Never dismiss what your child is saying, their talks are insight into their thoughts, feelings as well as situations they may be facing,
7. Acknowledge change is a stressor: Simple changes such as change in daycares, schools, nannies, parents going on holidays to big changes like separation and divorce are all changes and therefore stressors: prepare you child for changes and hold them through transition.
8. Encourage independence yet let them know you are there: Provide a supportive environment by allowing them to take initiative and explore things, while letting them know that you are always going to be there when they need you.
9. Spend quality time/ be involved: Attachments and bonds are created only by spending quality time. Keep digital medias away and spend quality time reading, talking and exploring.
10. Remember you are the model: Observational learning begins from birth, remember your child notices how you speak to others, how you express feelings and how you behave. If you shout at your wife or husband, remember your child is watching, learning and internalising.
11. Take responsibility for the mistakes you make: As a parent acknowledge your mistakes, there is a key learning for children in this. They learn to see themselves as well as you, as humans, ones who can make mistakes and move on. They will learn to understand that there is no perfection to achieve but mistakes to be made and to learn from. They come to develop a view of the world, one which is compassionate forgiving and accepting.
I would like to end this article by highlighting the work of James Fallon, an American neuroscientist, who discovered in his research, that brain scans of serial killers showed low levels activity in certain parts of the brain linked to empathy, morality and self-control. Surprisingly, he discovered that his own brain scans displayed the same results, thus scientifically making him predisposed to violent behaviour, aggression and psychopathy. However what made him different from the serial killers?
The answer seems to lie in his childhood and upbringing. James Fallon grew up in a loving home, developing secure attachments and forming healthy relationships and healthy sense of self. It could be proposed that he developed a secure base from which he viewed the world as essentially good. This was in sharp contrast to all the serial killers he had studied. Almost all of them had come from broken homes , had lived traumatic childhoods filled with neglect and abuse. They never had the opportunity to develop healthy attachments to parents or primary caregivers.
