Day 145: It’s time to accept the truth: I don’t fit into Medium shirts anymore.

In my line of work, I get a lot of free t-shirt offers. “What size are you?” I’m asked. My gut says “Medium, dude!” but my brain said, “Probably should try the Large, just in case.”

I seem to exist in this liminal space where I’m both skinny and fat.

How did I get this way? What the hell happened to me?

When I was skinny

Once upon a time, I used to be about the height I’m at right now (5'10", or just under 1.78m for you cool kids out there), and weighed in about … 130 lbs (59 kgs). I’m pretty sure some construction workers deemed me an unsafe structure which may topple over at any moment.

Chalk that anomaly up to teenage metabolism and taekwondo. I used to go at least four times a day, and all that cardio and kicking led to some toned abs and terrific reflexes. After I developed tendonitis in my needs, I took a break to focus on some long buried passions: film, drawing, and performance arts.

How I got fat

Some call it the “Freshman 15,” but for me it turned into an additional 5–10 pounds every subsequent year. I blame the delicious chicken wing makers at Yorkside Pizza for their late hours and endless supply fatty alcohol absorbing bites. Even though I did a little taekwondo in my early years, I never fell into much an exercise routine and grew unhealthier over time.

After college, I fell into a dark period where I lost much of my confidence and self-worth. My weight actually crossed the 200 lb. (90.7 kg) mark. I masked it with a emotionally-dependent relationship, high-calorie microbrews, copious meat consumption, and plenty of TV.

I even liked Grey’s Anatomy for a time. It was that bad.

How do I see myself now?

This year has been a year of changes. New job. New attitude towards food. New hobbies. Maybe exercise? I feel better than I have in a long time, and I look forward to the next day.

Perhaps moreso than ever, I’m aware of what I look like, flaws and all.

And I’m good.

I’m a fan of Domics, a Youtuber who does a lot of great hand-drawn animation (thanks to Wesley Lloyd Carter for getting me hooked). He released a video about getting fat and how his auto-drawings sometimes ignores that fact.

Hey, Domics. Big is okay. When all else fails — there’s always delusion.

— Lee