lunch with lee(WIDE OPEN)

TODAY’S MENU: Chomping at the bit.

According to U.S. News the best job of 2016 is …Seriously…?!? Orthodontist. Hmmm…is someone huffing a little too much of the nitrous oxide, perhaps? Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate orthodontics. Because of it, there are picture-perfect smiles in my family.

Quite frankly, I don’t get it. It’s not the job for me. Imagine looking into all of those mouths, especially after they’ve eaten. Even worse, the OMC. Open-mouth chewers. You know who I’m talking about. You’ve seen them. It’s like a bad accident. You can’t look away, no matter how hard you try.

I always get stuck sitting beside the OMC when we go out to a family function. This time, I was prepared before going to the restaurant. I took a Tylenol.

Is there a diplomatic way to say, ‘Close your mouth, when you chew.’ And when you do, is hurt feelings or that person going on the defense the outcome?

The meal is ending. I’ve suffered…that noise…smack…smack…smack.

I’ve seen the visual…food moving around in the mouth…I thought I saw tonsils.

The waiter is approaching. He has dessert menus. Please, no, I’m screaming internally. No more food. I beg of you. Leave us unattended. Leave this table bare. I will tip you, generously, to ignore us.

SMACK…SMACK…SMACK.