Popular Culture & Wearing Women Down
After an exchange with someone on social media regarding this article, I wanted to share some thoughts about ‘romantic’ gestures, popular culture and wearing women down.
Firstly, I would like to offer some context. I am a victim of sexual assaults (yes, with an ‘s’) starting from the age of 10. I am not sharing this information to invoke some kind of sympathy or silence an argument, but it’s important for the story I want to tell.
While many brave people have been sharing stories of sexual assault in the age of the internet, there is a type of story that I see less often. It’s a story that we have largely been taught to accept, which adds to existing trauma and is usually inflicted on us by someone who says it’s for/out of love.
In the hopes that sharing this will build understanding or help someone feel less alone in their experience, here’s one of mine.
When I was 18, an acquaintance saw me out with friends when I’d had a few drinks. I was still learning to navigate the world — I didn’t drink until this age, was still a virgin and generally pretty clueless. He took me to his car and forced my head to his crotch. For someone who had kissed some guys and not much else, this was quite traumatic but I didn’t realise what was happening. No one had really taught me how to navigate a situation like this or that it was assault. I thought it was my fault.
I’m sure you’ve heard a story like this before. Sadly, there are millions of them. This is the story of assault we hear often. Throughout this year, I have been trying to come to terms with the things that have happened to me. The stories like this are not the ones that I struggle to deal with, it’s what comes after that’s been the hardest to get past.
When I was 19, one of my first boyfriends with insecurity issues could not respect that I didn’t want to go down there. I told him the above story but he would still get upset because he really liked it. So he wore me down. To the point where I did it, between sobs, and he didn’t seem to notice or care. He got what he wanted.
Other guys I have dated since then have respected that this is a no-go, but there have been others who, in the same way, have worn me down until I’ve done it because they like it. Somehow, their pleasure is more important than me reliving this traumatic experience. As a consequence, this one incident that happened as an 18 year old has dragged on, now into my 30’s.
This isn’t the only story I have like this. There are plenty of other times when someone has worn me down because they feel entitled to my body. I am ashamed to say that, despite thinking of myself as someone strong enough to say ‘no’, this has happened as recently as this year.
When you have been sold the idea your whole life that your body exists as a sexual object for someone else, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking your body is something you owe to others. Every woman has been sold this idea their whole life. Maybe not in the extreme way I have but, at a minimum, they have been sold this idea through the stories told in popular culture. Similarly, the message men receive is that to get sex or affection women need to be worn down.
This is why I have a problem with rom coms. The ‘romantic’ gestures, the ‘friend’ wearing a woman down, the ‘adorkable’ creepy guy who wants to get laid, you get the point. Even the nagging sitcom wife, always portrayed as disliking sex with husbands having to beg for it. I know not all women love sex, but hey, not all men do either. If I’m not DTF, it’s not because I don’t enjoy it and it’s definitely not because you haven’t tried hard enough.
To quote a friend of mine, Alix Roberts (with her consent because consent is sexy);
No’ is not code for ‘try harder’. Please take me at my fucking word.
