Also contains references to overdosing.
I’ve suffered from depression for … heck … going on 10 years. And have experienced bouts of suicidal thinking. Ranging from my ‘normal' cop-outs all the way up to ‘so now we just need to get up, open the balcony door, climb over the ledge and jump’. The really suicidal is kinda new. Looking back it was a function of my first ever antidepressants which caused me massive depressive lows and amplified my anxiety immensely.
But even in those dark times, I didn’t call anyone.
My depression is a bit like a rollercoaster, but with less ups and more depressing lows. And up until recently those lows were getting lower. I was having the worst day of my life every single week. Each one out stripping the last in terms of its darkness. And every single time I wouldn’t call anyone. I might talk to a friend who ‘gets it' or post something on Twitter. But never a phone call.
It is almost comical the number of times and the number of people who I’ve promised to call if I ‘get bad’. My PM, my office’s manager, friends, counsellors, even the Crisis Team. Every single one I promised to ‘call someone' when I got bad. And yet I don’t. Heaven knows how many people I’d need to call if I was to keep all of those promises. Let’s just say if it was a conference call it would get messy.
I just can’t call anyone. Thinking about it as I have, I have realised why. Because my brain draws lines in the sand, it works much like a program. “If condition met ➡ action”. But another part of my brain analyses and updates those lines. For example if I have less that a few hundred dollars in my bank account, I can’t go shopping for anything and I need to save every cent. Unfortunately depression, and suicidality, doesn’t come with a convenient number scale.
Saying that I am a ‘3' on the depression scale means nothing. Saying that I am ‘quite suicidal' could mean that I am not really coping with this situation and I want to leave and find somewhere quiet; or it might mean that I’m in the ‘thought experiment' phase of planning a suicide; or that I’m calculating the number sleeping pills to kill me. Every single one of those is a valid place.
So when I try and draw a line in the sand to say “when this line is crossed you must call the suicide hotline” is hard. If I draw the line at the point where I have thoughts of suicide(fleeting, passing, ignored or otherwise) it will get triggered so often. So it needs to be moved. If I draw a line where I start planning it, then that’s a bit better … but what counts as planning; because I plan this stuff all the time without ever intending on following through.
Maybe it needs to be where I’m am 1 step away from actually killing myself. But in that exact moment I cannot see a purpose. And like any good compiler, will just optimise that operation out.
No one understands that when I really really want to die, I also cannot see a point in picking up the phone and calling someone. I just cannot. So I’m sorry to all those people who I promised that to. It may sound simple to you, but for me it is an impossible task.
Thank you for reading my ramblings, I am safe, and I am in an alright (although tired) headspace. I hope that you are safe, and wish you all the best.
