Trollphobia

I’m about to head outside to my beloved veggie patch with phone in hand and fear in my heart.

I’m riding a wave of inspiration and trying out some new things. This involves putting my face out there for all the world to experience.

I don’t mind my words being out in the world. Judge away! You either like my writing or you don’t. Saul Goodman.

My face, and my voice, and my hair…well…I’m a little protective. That’s “me,” after all! The one and only meat suit I have. This protectiveness is not due to lack of experience. It is due to moving in a digital space that has some seriously scary monsters lurking in the closets and under the stairs.

As they say, “don’t let the terrorists win.” I’m scared…but I’m doing it anyway.

For five years, I was featured weekly on NBC affiliate WETM TV as a fitness expert. I loved it. Each producer that came through this Elmira, NY starter market wanted something different: tape ahead, use the morning show hosts, do it solo, make it 1 minute, make it two segments of 2 1/2 minutes, join our guest chef and relate the food to fitness and wellness. It was fun.

The real fun for me was having a platform to spread the good news: you CAN feel better in your own skin! Watch! I’ll show you!

Only once did that my status as, “I’m Channel 18’s fitness expert, Lee Welles,” scare me.

I was at a haunted house/harvest fest kinda thing. I was already jacked up on adrenaline because the haunted house (walking through about 5 elaborately done, and very scary, greenhouses.) I was getting an ice cream cone when I heard a woman shriek!

I turned, about 30 feet away a woman was pointing at me, eyes agog. “Oh, my god! You’re that fitness lady!! I’ve seen you! Oh, my god!” She rushed me.

There is something weird about someone you don’t know coming at you at a high rate of speed, crying out in joy at seeing your normally two dimensional face in three dimensional glory. My reptile brain wanted to throw my ice cream at her and run.

I hope I’m wrong. I hope I’ll never have to see a hashtag like #smugbitch.

It worked out fine. She was effusive. I was nice. She couldn’t believe I was eating ice cream. A great opening for a wellness expert to talk about balanced eating. On balance, it was a pleasant 10 minutes.

But I’ve seen what happens to people who choose the intertubes instead of the airwaves. Sooner or later, a troll shows up. And, if you’re a woman, that troll is most likely going to want to demean you, or harm you in some way.

I was going to say that more graphically, and (sadly) accurately; but I write for children and if any 11-year olds show up…

(It was a great sentence, by the way. Message me if you’re curious!)

I don’t work in the world of health and fitness anymore. I did that for 25 years. I’ve said all I want to, and their are thousands of other fitness experts chiming out the same messages.

I’ve opted to bring my interest in nature (which drives my fictional writing of Gaia Girls) together with my desire for people to live happier lives. Learning to be more mindful is life-changing stuff. Nature is a most fantastic partner. Gaia Minded, I call it. And my face will be associated with it.

So out to the garden I go, shooting video while dreading trolls.

I hope I’m wrong. I hope I’ll never have to see a hashtag like #smugbitch.

As they say, “don’t let the terrorists win.” I’m scared…but I’m doing it anyway. I’m doing it because it is the only thing that lights me up. I’m putting my face, my sense of Self, out in the WackedWideWorld for anyone to see and judge, to covet or loath.

I’m doing it because I know, just as I knew while doing those fitness segment, that someone will be open to what I’m sharing and have a more joyful life because of it.