A Flat-Earther’s Guide to the Coming Solar Eclipse

A total solar eclipse is a once-in-a-lifetime event and you’ll want to be prepared so that you can fully enjoy the experience without going blind or being sucked into the cult of the spherical earthers! To help you out, we’ve put together these important tips:

1. Make sure you find a good spot to watch the heavenly show that God himself will be directing. We recommend you stick to the middle of the country and avoid going anywhere near the edges of the Earth (for example the entire west coast or New York City) because you might get excited and in total darkness, you could accidentally step off the planet and fall into nothingness.

2. If you are planning to look directly at the sun, you’ll want to keep your eyes safe by wearing special glasses, a tinfoil hat (to reflect the harmful rays back into space) and a condom (there will be many people out there with you and you don’t want to accidentally contract an STD or “Reason”). On the other hand, if you are looking directly at the Son (of God), you’ll want to keep your eyes wide open so that you may revel in his glistening muscles and the slight bulge in his pants even as he hangs on the cross. There’s nothing in the Bible that says you can’t be lusty for the Lord.

3. To be completely safe, you can view the eclipse by drilling a small hole in a piece of cardboard and projecting an image of the Sun onto a sidewalk or a piece paper. However, this is very much like a science project and attempting it might cause other nasty urges to arise in you, such as a belief that humans are related to apes or acceptance of the laws of gravity. So if you attempt this project, please keep small impressionable children far, far away. And get yourself to church immediately afterward.

4. Now that you’re prepared and safe, as you watch the sun, you will see the flat Moon cross in front of the flat Sun as it revolves around the Earth and, in particular, you. It will look like a giant PacMan, taking bigger and bigger bites out of the Sun, until POOF!, the sun is gone and it will be totally dark, like your mother’s basement when she turns off all the lights because she doesn’t approve of your late night porn hobbies.

5. During the sky show, you will note that nothing up there looks like a giant ball in the sky, thus disproving the liberal media’s lies about the moons, stars and planets being spheres. You should Tweet pictures to prove how right you are about everything being flat, including your ass and your brain waves. Also, jot down a note to help your kid create a solar system that uses a variety of sizes of pancakes hanging in a mobile for the next “Why are we teaching science when we have the Bible?” fair. It’s about damn time someone spoke the truth to our children.

6. Oops, did you take your glasses off to read these tips? Well, put them back on or you’ll go blind. This is not like masturbation, staring at the sun can really fry the old eyeballs. Hey, how are we sure they’re even balls? Have you ever seen the back side of your eye”balls”? You’d better get on the internets and check out this new theory.

Meanwhile, be safe, be steadfast in your convictions, and most of all have as much fun as your delusions allow.

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