The Guys’ Guide to Lady Bits: How Much Do You Know about What Goes on Down There
It’s become apparent that some men (Hi, Brett Kavanaugh) don’t understand how women’s reproductive system works. But really, it’s not their fault — it is never the man’s fault. That’s in the Constitution. Or the Bible. One of those, I think.
No, when it comes to guys who can’t find their way around lady bits, we can blame poor sex ed in middle school; brains so clouded by testosterone that as long as their dick is a hole of some kind, they feel fully educated; and maybe moms who breastfed them too long or not long enough. It’s important to always find a way to blame mothers.
In order to clear up some misconceptions about exactly what’s what down there on a woman, we’ve put together this simple quiz. Take it now to see whether you have any business even talking to a woman of the female variety.
A woman’s vagina is:
a. A temporary storage unit for a penis (very temporary for some guys)
b. An Easy Bake Oven for humans
c. Like a purse she will never accidentally leave behind at your place in order to see you again after you’re done having sex with her and want nothing to do with her again
d. A body part that only she gets to control
When a woman has a period, where does the blood come from:
a. Her pee hole
b. Her eyes
c. Her vagina
d. That hole she has stabbed in your thigh because you asked, “Are you on the rag again?”
A woman’s period generally lasts:
a. 28 days
b. 3–5 days
c. As long as she doesn’t want to have sex with you because she knows you’re freaked out at the mere idea of getting menstrual blood on your dick
d. For her entire freaking life
The labia majora are:
a. The inner and outer folds of the vulva
b. A feminist EDF band from Iceland
c. Part of the Illuminati
d. A newly discovered star cluster near Orion’s belt
The uterus is:
a. A womb without a view for the fetus
b. The dark area around a woman’s nipples
c. A word you use to summon the dead
d. Another name for those pink pussy hats all the women wore in 2017
The clitoral hood is:
a. A fold of skin that protects the clitoris
b. A type of jacket popular in London
c. A guy who could easily beat you up if you refuse to learn where the G-spot is
d. What you look under to check whether a woman needs lube.
Once a month, a woman releases an egg. What happens to it?
a. She uses it when she practices witchcraft with her coven
b. She folds it into the omelet she lovingly serves you for breakfast
c. She sheds it during her period
d. She saves it in the back of the closet along with all the ticket stubs from all the movies she’s ever seen
Ovulation refers to the time when:
a. Eggs are discharged from the ovaries
b. She doesn’t like the looks, sound, or smell of you
c. When the line on the pregnancy test turns blue
d. A mini-vacation for the ovaries
Lady birth control works by:
a. Setting up tiny scarecrows in the Fallopian tubes to scare sperm away
b. Creating tiny jolts to tase sperm just enough to get them to turn around
c. Aborting a fetus
d. Preventing sperm from fertilizing an egg
The parts of a woman’s body that can orgasm are:
a. The vagina and the clitoris
b. The gallbladder and those flappy things down there
c. The ovaries and the uterus
d. The yin and the yang
After menopause, what happens to a woman’s vagina?
a. It drops out, which is why older woman stay in a lot with their cats
b. Tumbleweeds. Lots and lots of tumbleweeds
c. It may become drier, but it still does the job, if you know what I mean
d. It decides it no longer likes men and decides to check out the ladies
If you’ve taken this quiz and are not 100% certain that you know all the answers to all the questions, step away from the females and do some research. No, porn does not count. Stop clicking on that!