Under The Sea and Out of Their Minds: The Bachelor Contestants By The Numbers

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!!!! I don’t mean the holidays, even though I have Love, Actually on in the background as I write this. I mean that it’s the day that ABC reveals the 30 Bachelor contestants who will compete for the “heart” of sentient sack of fame-seeking-shit Nick Viall, who’s back for his fourth run on the franchise. (As a side note, here’s an excerpt from Nick’s bio: “A graduate of the University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee, with a double major in accounting and supply chain management, Nick is one of the most accomplished and successful Bachelors.” YIKES CITY.)

I gotta tell you, there are some FASCINATING trends in this year’s pool of ladies — namely, that several of them would seemingly rather drown than date Nick Viall. So settle in with your Bach-branded wine and let me walk you through it.

Average Contestant Age: 26

Nick Viall’s Age: 36

Occupation:

  • Nurse: 4 (1 surgical unit, 1 travel, 1 neonatal, 1 unemployed)
  • Business Owner: 2 (neither of whom identifies their business)
  • Teacher: 2
  • Marketing Manager: 2
  • Aspiring Dolphin Trainer: 1
  • Model: 1
  • Plastic Surgery Office Manager: 1
  • Wedding Videographer: 1
  • Restaurant Server: 1
  • Doula: 1
  • Photographer: 1
  • Sales Manager: 1
  • Chef: 1
  • Flight Attendant: 1
  • Pro Basketball Dance (sic): 1
  • Dental Hygienist: 1
  • Law School Graduate: 1
  • Actual Lawyer: 1
  • Food Truck Owner: 1
  • Apparel Sales Representative: 1
  • Fashion Boutique Owner: 1
  • Account Manager: 1
  • Mental Health Counselor: 1
  • Pilates Instructor: 1

Favorite Movies:

  • The Notebook: 4
  • Step Brothers: 4
  • Titanic: 4
  • Bridesmaids: 2
  • Dirty Dancing: 2
  • The Sandlot: 2
  • 2012: 1
  • Ace Ventura: 1
  • Armageddon: 1
  • Avatar: 1
  • Beauty and the Beast: 1
  • “Bourne movies”: 1
  • Brokedown Palace: 1
  • Clueless: 1
  • Despicable Me: 1
  • Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead: 1
  • Ferris Bueller: 1
  • Finding Nemo: 1
  • Good Will Hunting: 1
  • Hocus Pocus: 1
  • How to Lose a Guy In Ten Days: 1
  • Inglorious Basterds: 1
  • A League of Their Own: 1
  • Love, Actually: 1
  • Man on Fire: 1
  • The Other Woman: 1
  • The Shawshank Redempton: 1
  • Sleeping With Other People: 1
  • Tristan and Isolde: 1
  • Uptown Girls: 1
  • A Walk to Remember: 1
  • Wedding Crashers: 1
  • The Wedding Ringer: 1
  • Zoolander: 1

If you could be any animal, which one and why?

  • Dolphin: 4 (“So I could live underwater, do flips, and be cute.” “They are so cute and smart and they get to live in such a beautiful environment, under the sea!”)
  • Tiger: 2
  • Wild Mustang: 1
  • “Any kind of flying bird”: 1
  • Giraffe: 1 (“Duh! They are beautiful.”)
  • Owl: 1
  • Lion: 1
  • Eagle: 1
  • Fox: 1
  • Cheetah: 1
  • Pegasus: 1 (“So I can run and fly and have a beautiful mane.”)
  • Puppy: 1

Tattoos:

  • Phrases: 7 (“Smile with the Rising Sun”, “Strength”, Forever Smiles”, “To Die For”, “Always & Forever”, “Reciprocity”, Unnamed Bible verse, 2 unnamed sayings)
  • Hearts & heart variations: 3 (Heart, Half heart/infinity symbol, Heart-shaped grenade)
  • Names/Initials: 3 (“Hank”, “M”, “Symbol of my initials, a heart, and the #5”)
  • Flowers: 2
  • Trees: 2 (both on Liz)
  • Feather with unnamed quote: 1
  • Arrow: 1
  • Star: 1
  • Aries Symbol: 1
  • Celtic knot: 1
  • The life of Jesus in symbols: 1
  • Lotus: 1
  • Butterfly: 1
  • Dots: 1
  • Poppy: 1
  • Bobby pin: 1
  • Dad’s date of birth in Roman numerals: 1
  • Elephant: 1
  • Bows: 1
  • Fish: 1

If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why?

  • The Little Mermaid: 4(“Who doesn’t want to be a mermaid?” “Before legs. I would love to explore the ocean.” “She’s a mermaid with great hair, cool animal friends and she marries a cutie.” “She’s a mermaid! Plus she has amazing hair and a seashell bra.”)
  • Olivia Pope: 3.3 (“Beautiful, powerful, strong and intelligent. Gladiators in suits.” “She’s a strong female boss who makes her own rules and happens to be in a hot love triangle with two gorgeous men.” “She’s such a power woman. Great job. Boss lady. However her love life sucks. Too familiar.”)
  • Carrie Bradshaw: 1.3 (“She’s loyal to her friends, has a big heart, and an amazing closet.”)
  • Katniss Everdeen: 1 (“She’s tough and hot and she marches to the beat of her own drum! Dig it!”)
  • Snow White: 1 (“I want to find my Prince Charming!”)
  • Hermione Granger: 1 (“She’s a smart, clever, beautiful witch.”)
  • Fiona from Shrek: 1 (“She’s got some serious karate moves and she’s feisty and darling.”)
  • Superwoman: 1 (“Because she saves the world.”)
  • Jasmine: 1 (“That hair and a pet tiger!”)
  • Meredith Grey: .3 (along with Olivia Pope and Carrie Bradshaw: “The ultimate girls!”

Home State:

  • California: 8
  • Florida: 3
  • Texas: 3
  • Canada (just go with it): 2
  • Tennessee: 2
  • Washington: 2
  • Arkansas: 1
  • Kentucky: 1
  • Louisiana: 1
  • Minnesota: 1
  • Nevada: 1
  • New Jersey: 1
  • New York: 1
  • Oklahoma: 1
  • South Carolina: 1
  • Utah: 1

And finally, as a bonus…

Most Batshit Answers:

  • “Dying alone and just getting old and wrinkly.” — Astrid on her greatest fear
  • “I would break into the White House and spend months sleeping in a storage closet and observing what actually goes on behind closed doors.” — Christen on what she would do if she could break any law
  • “Frasier” — Corinne’s guilty pleasure TV show
  • “My grandfather, Leonardo DiCaprio and Jesus — and we’d be eating burritos from Chipotle.” — Who Dominique would have lunch with (she also lists Chipotle burritos as one of five things she can’t live without)
  • “Kill someone” — Liz’s terrifying fill-in of “If I never had to_, I would be very happy.
  • “Golf — it’s boring and angers me.” — Liz again, this time on her least favorite sport (I am excited for Liz)
  • “Two would be great. A lot of things are made for families of four.” — Hailey on her plans for children
  • “Strawberry — they are sexual and taste great with wine.” — Ida Marie on what fruit or vegetable she would be
  • “Pesco-pollo-lacto-ovo-paro-tarian. Just fish + bird, plus byproducts.” — Jaimi’s overly complicated description of her diet
  • “Steve Harvey. He dished out great advice on success and relationships.” — Jasmine B. on her favortie author
  • “Guy Fieri. He can cook. He gets to travel and eat food from all over the country and he is hilarious! I’m the girl version.” — Jasmine G. on who she’d like to be for a day. Listen, I didn’t have a better place to put this than batshit answers, but know that I love it and her.
  • “Shakespeare, JK Rowling, Joe Jonas” —Who Lacey would have lunch with
  • “An onion because they’re a stable item and can be found all year round.” — Vanessa, bumming me out with what kind of fruit or vegetable she would be
  • “Gisele Bündchen/Brady because she has the reputation of being a really successful model and married to Tom Brady. :)” — Whitney on who she’d be for a day

The Bachelor returns on January 2, 2017, God help us.

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