Book Reflection: Daring Greatly

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

— Theodore Roosevelt

Brene Brown challenges us to put away our armor and lower our shields, to be OK with imperfection, and to embrace vulnerability. In doing so, live a wholehearted life with rich experiences and meaningful relationships.

Shame and shame resilience

One of the first concepts Brown explores is shame, and how utterly damaging it is. She defines it as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It’s a gremlin that ties the value of an outcome (academic, work, relationship, etc.) to the worthiness of one’s self — rather than saying I made a mess, it’s saying I am a mess. It feels like every comment is personal.

The consequences of shame are dire; when left unchecked, shame leaves deep damages in our sense of confidence, worthiness, and connection. The longer it’s unchecked, the deeper the damages. And when our self-worth is on the line, it’s much harder to be courageous and take informed risks — to grow.

The counter to shame is not avoidance, because shame is a universal and primitive emotion of being human. To combat shame, one needs to develop resilience, by 1) recognizing shame and understanding its triggers; 2) practicing critical awareness; 3) reaching out; 4) speaking shame. It’s knowing that I have tried, and therefore I am worthy.

Perfectionism and enough

Which brings us to the next topic, perfectionism. We are not perfect. I am not perfect; and I never will be. In fact, perfection does not exist. Yet, perfectionism is one of the most common “armors” people develop around vulnerability.

It manifests as the belief that “if I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” It is the thinking that when pain does invariably happen, it’s because I am not good enough, and that I need to work harder to attain perfection. Its narrative is similar as the one for shame, tying one’s self-worth with one’s accomplishments or abilities.

Brown argues the act being in the arena and fighting is an indication of having dared greatly, and that I am enough for having done that, regardless of outcome. It’s okay to have cracks and imperfections; we all do. And to be comfortable with that, to know that it’s OK to be kind and compassionate with one’s self.

Brown argues that the culture of “I am not enough” has got to stop. To live a wholehearted life, we need to be satisfied with what we have, and understand that our worthiness does not come from skills, credentials or accomplishments we have achieved.

Foreboding joy and gratitude

Brown explores the concept of foreboding joy — that even in times of joy, our mind naturally and unknowingly drifts to the millions of ways that things can go wrong. For example, “yay I got a new car… and oh crap, now I’m totally going to scratch it on the drive home.”

It’s another vulnerability shield to protect us from being emotionally hurt. “Rehearsing tragedy” somehow is supposed to make the tragedy easier to bear if and when it actually happens. Somehow, being able to say “I knew it” or “called it” makes us feel safer, feel that the outcome was within our sphere of control.

Over time and without realizing, foreboding begins to overshadow joy. Joy is a fundamentally vulnerable emotion. Without being able to tolerate the vulnerability, we paradoxically push ourselves away from the joy that we crave.

Brown’s Daring Greatly strategy for foreboding joy is gratitude. It is the practice of leaning into joy, accepting it for what it is, and saying thank you. It’s to 1) pay attention to the ordinary moments rather than chasing down the extraordinary; 2) be grateful for what you have; and 3) not squander joy. It comes through practice.

Parting thoughts

Interestingly, Brown’s studies showed that:

1. to the general public, “vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you”;
2. vulnerability is a true path to meaningful relationships and experiences.

Those two stand at odds, if an innate human desire is to form deep, meaningful connections with each other.

Recently, it’s also something that I have thought a lot about, through mindfulness meditation (Search Inside Yourself), through working with social emotional learning, and through experiencing an uncertain startup world.

I found that it’s absolutely worthwhile to open my arms and embrace the people that I care about, even if that means taking the first step and being vulnerable to pain.

The book: Daring Greatly by Brene Brown