I’m Gay. I’m Gay (Happy).
Every teenager struggles with issues. Some handle those issues better than others, and some really struggle with them. I remember having a CD by the band called Dream Street. They were a younger, underground, wannabe Backstreet Boys or NSYNC band. I really like their music but I remember sitting and listening to their CD in my room on a karoke player I had. I stared at the cover long and hard while my favorite song by them played in the background. I thought to myself, “He’s cute, and I could kiss him.” That was really the first time that I sat down and thought about it. I saw all over the place boys kissing girls, not other boys. I questioned myself… many, many times. Am I different? Do I just kiss girls to “fit in”? So, I rolled with these thoughts.
Over the years and through my middle and high school years, I tried to “like” girls. Bottom line: it didn’t work. I always caught myself thinking other guys were attractive. I found girls pretty but couldn’t see myself dating or kissing one. In fact, some times even the thought of kissing a girl was gross. (And it is to this day.) ;)
I kept to myself and my tight-knit group of friends in middle and high school. As I progressed through my school years, more and more of my friends subtly hinted at me being “different,” (throwing gay jokes at me) although I didn’t really consider it different. I didn’t find my personal views or life to be anybody else’s business other than my own, but it got me thinking. I went home after school many nights and thought long and hard about these questions that continued to pop up. Is it normal? Will my friends still be my friends? Will I be viewed differently? I know I’m a good person, but how will I be treated if I label myself as gay?
On December 23rd, 2011, Mom and Dad sat down and talked to me while I was downstairs playing piano. I thought I was in trouble, but I could tell that Mom was nervous too. A few nights prior, my brother and I got our phones taken away because we weren’t listening (this was a rare occasion). ;) Mom and Dad used to read through our phones (specifically our text messages) to make sure that we weren’t doing anything we weren’t supposed to. In those messages, I had just told all of my friends that I was bisexual (keep in mind this was back in middle school). When Mom and Dad sat down and talked to me, I remember Mom saying, “We already knew. We’ve known since you were younger. Your grandma and aunt have known, too.” I asked her why she didn’t confront me earlier about it. “I wanted you to do it and do it when you were comfortable,” she said. I guess wearing her high-heels around the house when I was younger was a big giveaway. The timing of that conversation couldn’t have been more perfect. I was slightly stressed out and relieved because I had just come out to all of my close friends in school. It got me thinking that I should probably come out to my parents and family next. However, I wasn’t ready because I wasn’t sure how they’d react. They were my parents and family, yes, but I’ve always wanted to make my family proud. Thankfully, they have been nothing but supportive! I have the best parents and I love them more than anything!
It wasn’t long after I came out to my parents that Mom sat me down one evening and asked when I was going to come out to my brother. She said that kids are probably confronting him and saying things to him in school (which they did), and he should find out from you, not his friends at school. So, she called him out of his room and told him that I have something to tell him. I was as nervous as a whore in church. I was shaking and breaking into a cold sweat. Finally, I mustered the courage to say it… “I’m gay.” His response: “So?” I breathed a huge sigh of relief when that was over.
A few years after coming out to my middle brother, Mom asked me if she could tell my youngest brother (who was too young to understand at the time of telling my middle brother). I told her to go right ahead. I got a call one evening from Mom (I was actually living in Florida) saying that she told my youngest brother about me being gay. His response: “I think you should be able to marry whoever you want.” He’s wise for his age!
Back in January of this year, I bit the bullet and pushed myself outside of my comfort zone… a lot. School was still in full swing, but I was starting to look into my future, specifically my love life. All of my life I’d been heavily focused on my work and goals. However, when 2016 came around the corner, I decided to open up a little bit more. So I joined Tinder, an application used to “match” with the love of your life or — if you have extremely low standards — hookups. Either way, I was way out of my comfort zone at this point.
If you’re not familiar with Tinder, the concept is very simple. You link your Facebook profile, and the app analyzes your “likes” (music, movies, celebrities, etc.) and then compiles a bunch of people within a radius that you’ve set. Utilizing pictures you and others on the app have posted on Facebook, you’re able to swipe left or right. Swiping left is a “pass” and right is a “like.” If the other person you swipe right for swipes right for you, then you match and are able to chat with that person. Simple!
Tinder became boring — much like Facebook does. I found myself “swiping” while I was waiting or killing time at the mall, a restaurant, school, etc. The messages from the people that I matched with were boring and led to dead ends. Meaningless, useless, uneventful conversations that I slowly began to lose faith in. Hookups have never been my thing — I have way more self-respect than that!
One day the meaningless, uneventful, and useless conversations came to an end. I swiped right for certainly the most gorgeous boy on the app. Thankfully, he swiped right for me, too. I remember sending him a message because I couldn’t not try to hook this hottie! It was a beautiful evening here in Orlando, Florida, and my family was down visiting me while I was on spring break. We were on the Orlando Eye, 400ft in the air, and this gorgeous boy messaged me back. My heart sunk, and I got butterflies and excited because I knew that I was going to do everything I could to reel him in. We chatted for a little bit via Tinder and then switched over to texting, which was much, much faster. I got them digits, yo!
Ever since, my life has been nothing but smiles (as seen in the picture above). Yes, we have our disagreements, but no relationship is ever perfect. I’ve learned so much about myself, life, and caring for a significant other. It has been a rollercoaster, and I couldn’t be more appreciative of someone who’s been so patient, caring, and loving towards me. His love and support has meant so much to me.
Today is National Coming Out Day, and I wanted to share my support for those who aren’t comfortable, ready, or just don’t want to come out yet. Come out when you are ready. Tell yourself in the mirror. Tell a close friend, sibling, relative, or even a parent. Don’t do it because someone told you that you have to. Do it for yourself. After all, you have to make yourself happy first. When you do, things will only get better. You’re strong, deserve happiness, and beautiful. I believe in you!
I wish those of you who want to come out to friends, family, and even to yourself the courage and power to do so.
With love and support,
Lennon Cihak
