Act IV, Scene 3
The Tragedy of Macdrumpf
A boardroom. Enter JULES, FLOOD, JAYSHUA and COBB.
JULES
Are you good men and true?
COBB
Nay, sir, we are lawyers.
JULES
Are ye honest as Abe Lincoln?
FLOOD
Aye, for marry, Lincoln were a lawyer too!
JULES
Mary Lincoln a lawyer?
JAYSHUA
Yea, for wives declare their husbands
guilty, then collect the fees.
JULES
Tis why we call’t male-fees-ance! But be no man
guilty without cause.
COBB
Didst not marry thy coz?
JAYSHUA
There’s a grain of truth in thy jest, Cobb。
FLOOD
Aye, though it were corny。
JAYSHUA
I’faith, I am a’maized!
FLOOD
There’s yet polenta more where that came from!
JAYSHUA
In wit-war, Cobb, th’art a kernel!
JULES
What, a kernel and a grain of corn? A polenta maze?
FLOOD
Know’st thou what Cobb did when his cigarette
went out, and cold and grey betwixt his lips it hung?
JULES
Verily，I know not why thou ask‘st me.
JAYSHUA
When all its fire extinguished was,
he did suck at ash!
They high five.
JULES
A merry jest! But to our task, now. Cobb,
what is our charge?
COBB
To serve our lord Macdrumpf and play
a match with Macmueller in the courts.
JULES
The same, so be thou inspired by our lord and
his lady and make it a loveless match. For love is
An O, and there be nothing in’t for us. Therefore,
to get love is to get nothing, and thou knowest well
What Macdrumpf pays for such.
FLOOD
Aye, nothing will come of nothing.
JAYSHUA
I am leery of so much ado. Tell us, what’s the plan?
JULES
As you like. It falls to one of us to play a round of Sunday golf, the which I mean to visit every Sunday morning show, and there to make strong showing of our case.
FLOOD
I’ll be the one.
JULES
Nay, for you are Flood, and Flood was a great verdict
delivered on mankind for its transgressions. Anyone
who watches you will drown in judgment and you’ll
a washout be. Instead, write you to Macmueller and
demand that we should meet.
Flood exits.
JAYSHUA
Then go I on the shows and say our lord’s a mensch.
JULES
But every case you try’s a case of faith. Macdrumpf
keeps faith with none save one, (aside: and that’s
the very one Macmueller seeks!) An our lord wished
to pray in school, or Jews for Jesus tractates to
hand out, you’d be the man- but as he doesn’t, you’re
not. Nay, go thou round to every church, and there make earnest of our master’s faith.
JAYSHUA
Faith, speak we of the same Macdrumpf?
JULES
Say he loves the lord, but not that the lord is himself.
And say he prays, but not on whom. Tell them he gave
to churches, but not his gift.
JAYSHUA
And what was that?
JULES
Yea, free trips t’Atlantic City to lose all in Trump Casinos.
Get thee t’Iowa!
COBB
Then must I go on the shows.
JULES
With thy moustaches so unkempt? You’d look a dog and
scorn draw on us all. Nay, take this French pomade and
wax thy ‘staches into property curl, then treat thyself to
lunch at BLT Steak. But have a care to speak not of our
case, least prying ears take notice. Nay, I must be the one
to do’t, for, as America’s Mayor, I am most practiced in
the speaking arts and will therefore the most advantage
gain. Go beautify thyself and dine!
Cobb exits.
JULES
Now, ere I go, I’ll calm my nerves with ale,
Lest I, too tense to speak, my mission fail!
Exeunt
