Act V Scene 2
The Tragedy of Macdrumpf
The West Wing. Enter MACDRUMPF, and ATTENDANTS
MACDRUMPF
Nay, bring me no fake news! Just look at this:
“Macdrumpf Abandons Syria,” “Macdrumpf
Betrays our Allies.” This just says “Macdumped.”
(That’s actually pretty good.) They’re freaking out:
MacDrumpf’s so dumb, he doesn’t understand
Strategic. Not strategic! What a crock.
Six times have I gone bankrupt- that’s strategic.
Macdrumpf’s so mean, abandoning the Kurds.
You ever spend an hour with a Kurd?
Just war stories and whining. Let’s get real:
Is Syria so awesome? It’s a dump!
You get outside Damascus, there’s no clubs,
No nice hotels, no place to see a show
Or take their oil, or get a decent steak.
But anyway, who cares? we’re doing great.
It’s like the Grifters said: Macdrumpf won’t fail
‘Til rat sing song and dog tell waggish tale,
Two totally impossible events
I’m gonna disappoint that asshole Pence.
Enter FLOOD, an ATTORNEY
Ah, good Macflood, my lawyer, what’s the news?
FLOOD
Ill news my lord.
MACDRUMPF
Of what?
FLOOD
I fear to say!
MACDRUMPF
Tush! Know ye not the Grifters’ prophecy?
Macdrumpf hath nought to fear.
FLOOD
Then I’ll be brief —
It touches on Maccohen
MACDRUMPF
Bosom friend!
On him I built a very special trust.
FLOOD
Perhaps too special, lord: he’s pledged his troth
To keen Macmueller, and to him disclosed
The secrets of his black, hermetic arts.
MACDRUMPF
Wait, did you say Maccohen? I misheard.
I heard Maccloud — Maccloud’s my bosom friend.
Mccohen I know not.
FLOOD
Well, he knows you.
To bloodhound-like Macmueller he’s told tales
Of parlays planned with subtle Russian bears
And midnight fees to wenches, and, in short,
Canary-like he sings and sing and sings.
MACDRUMPF
O rat! O rat! O singing, singing rat!
Oh singing rat…. Oh no.
Enter JULES, an ANCIENT ATTORNEY
JULES
Macdrumpf!
MACDRUMPF
What now!
JULES
‘Tis Mad Dog Mattis, well he wears that name,
For, all in choler o’er your Syrian tweet,
He’s bit the hand that feeds him. Now he howls
In discontented ranting.
MACDRUMPF
Let’im rave!
His bark, i’faith’s more fearsome than his bite.
JULES
But see, my Lord, a letter he hath writ
And published to such eyes as fain would look.
Here, read thyself-
MACDRUMPF
Thou know’st I never read.
Pray, just give me the high points.
JULES
Here he says
You spurn our old alliances, the source
Of peacetime plenty and of weal in war,
And doing so, give comfort to our foes.
MACDRUMPF
This tune is too familiar.
JULES
Here he writes
You bow and scrape to despots.
MACDRUMPF
Says he thus?
JULES
My views, blah blah, four decades… here we go:
He thinks that you’re an ass, a lying fiend;
That tyrants, strongmen, thugs of every kind
Give you a great big boner.
MACDRUMPF
He does not!
MACRUDES
You sort of have to read between the lines.
MACDRUMPF
God’s blood! I’ll see him fired like a dog!
Begone you wizened walnut! Speak no more!
Exit Jules
MACDRUMPF
Satan! I am sick at heart!
Et tu, Mad Dog? Satan, I say! To tell such waggish tales!
Such waggish tales, o Mad Dog. Hey now, wait.
I summon you, oh Satan! Heed my call.
Enter STEPHEN MILLER
STEPHEN MILLER
I asked you not to call me that at work.
MACDRUMPF
So sue me. Fine, you’re Stephen. So? Big deal.
STEPHEN MILLER
You sent for me?
MACDRUMPF
I’ve got — it’s like an itch-
Or not an itch- a yawn, or falling down
But never hitting ground. Like heartburn too.
Or like a rash all over, but inside
So scratching doesn’t help.
STEPHEN MILLER
Right, that’s called doubt.
MACDRUMPF
That’s doubt?
STEPHEN MILLER
Yeah- it’s the only thing I feel.
A sick and constant, all-devouring sense
That I’m an awful person. What I do
Is yell a lot. Just scream and stalk and sulk
And say horrendous, ugly, racist things.
So when my folks or rabbi call me out
And say that I’m the vilest kind of prick,
I get defensive and, enraged, proclaim
they never understood me and they won’t
Because I’m smart and all of them are dumb.
MACDRUMPF
And say you that this works?
STEPHEN MILLER
It never fails.
And here’s the best part- everyone has doubt
And worries that they stink and don’t deserve
The love their parents showed them, or they’re frauds
Or worthless losers. So they scream and shout
And act like total jerks and vote for you.
You made a promise that you’d build a wall.
You’ve got to keep it.
MACDRUMPF
Will I then have doubt?
STEPHEN MILLER
No, absolutely not. Macdrumpf shall be
As weird Macbornstein wrote, the fittest man
Who ever lived, regardless of his age.
One simple wall will all your doubts erase.
But all hangs on your promise to your base.
MACDRUMPF
Then pull our nation’s purse strings triple tight,
That government itself must swoon and faint.
Send home the clerks, grown fat on counting tax-
They’ll count the hours of idleness ahead.
Seal up museums and barren leave the parks,
And those we call essential, let their fees
Be paid in patriotic sacrifice.
Now let no arm of state its task fulfill
Till Chuck and Nancy bow to our will!
My words is wall, so wall must be my vow:
Let Democrats be damned, we’ll build it now!
Exeunt Omnes.
