Is This My Dream?

It has been about two months since I took the leap of faith to quit my full time job with an incredible organization to become a semi-full time freelancer in photography and other creative aspirations. Little has happened since then in regards to my creative pursuits, but the constant questions on wether this is my dream still prevail. Since June, my work has been showcased in one exhibit in Oakland, I booked a few photoshoots and web designs, and a couple photography jobs with big organizations are in the works. I have been running here and there, I haven’t read a full book, and my eating habits are so out of place. Needless to say that I am not impressed by the few achievements because they were somehow already happening before I had quit my full time job — at least at this rate and capacity. I was very overwhelmed when I was working full time, but now I am even more because I now have the pressure to generate a sustainable income from this and can’t rely on anything else.
I am now two months in and I constantly think about wether I really want to do this freelancing thing. I don’t doubt my talent and capacity as a photographer, though I have a lot of growth to do. But being a freelancer is not easy. Imagine how much tasks people with 9–5 jobs have to juggle outside of work? Triple that for freelancers. Unless you’ve been in business for years and have a very discipline working structure, freelancers spend most of their days juggling things around with no set times.
In addition to freelancing, I also spend a big portion of my week at my part-time job. Though sometimes I feel guilty because I should be focusing on doing my own projects as I intended, I don’t mind spending time there. I truly love the team I am working with, I enjoy the work I am doing, it gives me a sense of productivity and purpose, and it’s providing me with an income that I need as a base. It also fills my need of belonging to team and to a physical work environment which freelance doesn’t provide.
So when I cam alone at home as a freelancer, I start second guessing. My second guessing always come when I start thinking about my multiple interests as a multifaceted person, as someone with skills in fields that are looked on as more attractive and competitive because require more intelligence, as someone in his mid twenties who is trying to be mentally and physically healthy, and as a young ambitious person with dreams that have a high cost. I constantly ask myself “Am I willing to survive without a stable income?” “Am I willing to be without a more traditional profession that has a somewhat a clear pathway to financial stability and gives me access to fulfilling many aspirations?” “Am I willing to not let go of being highly involved in a particular organization, group/network or community to focus on my doings? Those things are important to me and freelancing falls short in many of these.
Sometimes I think that the easy thing to do is for me to get myself back into the job market for a full time job. I think about how I really enjoy spending time a couple days per week in a 5–9 office setting with an incredible team and I wonder: would I take a full-time job if the right organization/business offers it to me? Sometimes I imagine what would it be for me to go to a social event, introduce myself and speak so proudly about a full time 5–9 job because it’s my dream job instead of having to explain that I do multiple things (photography, organizing, advocacy, graphics, website, trying to break into this and the other, etc.) with the sole purpose of figuring out what I want to do for the rest of my life.
But then I go back to the present, I look at myself in the mirror (literally or metaphorically) and tell myself “This is your dream, Leo”, “this is what you wanted”. Everyday I convince myself that this is what I always wanted. Sometimes I say it aggressively, sometimes softly, but the point is that I say it. I say it so I don’t crack down the day that I have to face it and realize that this is not what I wanted. I say it so every day I actively choose this lifestyle; the beauty and the chaos. I actively choose to get up one day and feel like I should be going to run but I don’t because I have a lot to do and end up doing absolutely nothing. I actively choose to wake up super early one day, read a book, and get a lot of work done. I also actively choose my part time job so I try to give it my all when I am on the clock. This is what I wanted.
It’s far from being the perfect “Dream”, but I would not have had it any other way. This is my dream. I want this freelancing experience. Even if it’s not moving as quickly as I wish it did, I will actively keep choosing this every day. It is possible that I will give up and do something completely different one day not far from now, maybe I will keep doing this for years, or maybe this is just the beginning of a lifetime journey. In all honesty, I do not know. What I do know is that wherever I land, this experience is and it will continue to be extremely valuable at a professional level and a personal level. I mean, all I am really doing is intentionally forming and growing by putting myself in challenging, risk-taking, and often absurd situations. What book publisher would not a appreciate a good story like this one when I am old and all I can say is that I lived my life fully?
